Have you ever been accused of “rocking the boat” for simply being you? It’s not the person/s jumping up and down having a fit. It’s just you existing as you are. There’s no pleasing some people. And that’s their issue. It’s really not about you. If you didn’t exist, maybe they’d be upset at something else. But existing on a rocking boat is no fun, especially if it’s a person and not the sea rocking it. Because they should stop, right?

So what to do with insistent boat rockers? Well, this is where we talk about boundaries. I know. “Boundaries” rivals “Gaslighting” for most misused therapy words. But, as with Gaslighting, it’s useful to understand how it works.

The most common misuse I hear goes something like, “You can’t [eat at Denny’s]. That’s my boundary.” BUZZ! Wrong.  Boundaries are for you. Boundaries are what you are willing to accept and willing to defend. So, it could go a little like, “[Denny’s] upsets me. I won’t go there. If you go there, I will not go there with you.” And then you don’t go there.

When we form or state a boundary, we do this to protect ourselves. “I believe in fidelity. I will not tolerate my partner being unfaithful.” It’s what you’re not going to accept because it makes you feel bad. That’s all. “This makes me feel bad. I won’t be made to feel bad.”

Can we form unreasonable boundaries? Absolutely! “Homework makes me feel bad. I will not do homework.” No one wants to feel bad, but we’re talking about our core selves. What we deserve as human beings.

What do we deserve? We deserve the right to live our life in peace, as we see fit and to enjoy what we can. Life, Liberty and pursuit of Happiness. Heck, yeah. Woot! Freedom baby! 🇺🇸 🎇 Others can make any of these needlessly harder. So, we set our boundary there. Some things just take up too much bandwidth.

But that’s the catch, right? “Freedom ain’t free.” For our boundaries to work, there have to be consequences. “I don’t want to talk about my weight with you. Therefore, every single time you bring up my weight, I will hang up / leave the room / go outside / leave etc.” And we really do have to do this every. single. time. for it to stick.

And there’s always that person who can’t see a boundary without needing to pole vault over it. These are also usually the boat rockers. They will have a fit if you renounce “the way.” But if they make it their way or the highway, take the next on-ramp. Highway it shall be.

The good news is that most people will be like, “OK. Sure.” Even if they feel a little upset at first. Hey, they just found out they were hurting you. That stings. And some folks will put up more resistance, but then eventually get used to the new way. 

But there are always the few habitual line-steppers. The people pole vaulting in our boat who just will not sit down. The hard cases. Sometimes the kindest thing to do then is to let go. Let go of thinking they’ll be different or change. It’s the Maya Angelou quote about when people show us who they are. And that’s their business.

Our business is to manage the situation so that they can’t get to us anymore. Whether that’s physical separation or simply an internal resolve is down to what we can manage. And that can change over time. Maybe we find that we feel kinder when we know we can remove ourselves from harm, are no longer in danger of being harmed or much harmed. Maybe that bit of distance our boundary created was just enough to allow us to grow more at ease and more tolerant.

But that all depends on us. That’s our work. To grow into our self-confidence. To believe we deserve our share of common humanity. For FREEDOM!

OK, calm down. I got all excited and my boat’s a-rocking.

Love ya, you not boundary challenged legends.

-J.Lakis

✌🏼❤️‍🩹🫡🇺🇸🦅😅🤟🏼

If you or anyone you know has experienced sexual violence please contact RAIIN, for Domestic Violence in the US contact The Hotline. Both are available 24/7 by phone or chat in English and Spanish.

If you’re considering suicide, self harm or have a mental health crisis: call or text 988 any time to talk or text with someone from the National Suicide Prevention and Crisis Hotline. Help is always available in English or Spanish. LGBTQ+ youth in crisis? Contact:  The Trevor Project.

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