My Inner Gollum: Pushing Through Pain to Self Acceptance and Love

“Why does it cry, Precious?” (Image created by author with nightcafe ai.)

We all have parts of us that we hide for whatever reason. We may hide our feelings thinking that will keep others from hurting them. Maybe we act the clown, or the peacemaker (bless ’em), or like nothing gets to us, all in an effort to hide pain, shame, grief. Whatever it is we think makes us unlovable.

Of course, the more we push down those heavy, hurt, and unlovable feelings, the stronger they become. We become or attract the very thing that tortures us. The victim of abuse becomes an abuser or ends up living with one. The person who can see nothing positive about their body, punishes their body with disordered eating. We can all think of a million ways to punish ourselves, but few to care for that neglected part that is in pain.

So what to do? One thing I’ve learned in trauma informed therapy is the value of self love. If we never are taught that we are OK for being a normal, flawed human being, if we never see unconditional love modelled for us, how can we ever be OK with ourselves or anyone else?

Exploring these feelings isn’t the easiest ask to make of ourselves. But it doesn’t have to be horrible either. In fact, healing, freedom, and our share of human joy is there for us if we have a little courage and develop some crucial skills.

The first element is self-soothing. This is the part when we learn how to calm our bodies and minds and just be in the present moment. My favorite technique is simple. Breathe in for 3 to 4 counts, hold for a moment, then sigh the breath out for double the count. Usually 3-6 rounds is enough.

Then I feel into the body. Not judging, just noticing what is there.

Can I feel my toes? What sensations are in my toes? Are they warm, cold, tingly, itchy, ticklish? I slowly move my way up the body. What do I feel in my legs? Hips? Stomach? Chest? Throat? Neck? Face and scalp? Can I soften any tight spots? If that’s difficult, tensing and releasing muscles helps. Or I just simply imagine what it feels like to be relaxed. Head to toe, toe to head. It really doesn’t matter. Just slowly relax and release.

There are many techniques to let yourself tune in to how you feel. All with the goal of having a slight sense of detachment, curiosity, and to let feelings come and go. Show up, shake hands, say “Hi thought/feeling,” and let it go. Not invite it in to tea or chase after it.

The self love practice I did recently began with this self soothing. Right now I’m struggling with having a broken crown on a front tooth. That tooth broke when my X shoved me out the door onto the street in the snow. I hit my tooth on the concrete steps. I eventually climbed back in the house through a window, but my front left tooth was shattered. That’s the crown that broke.

Aside from the memory of that moment, it looks like the stubby teeth Gollum had in The Lord of the Rings. I have always had nice teeth. No more. It’s taking a while to get fixed. So I’ve been masking everywhere, including when I walk my dog. And I’m broke, so I used Christmas money I was saving to take an Uber to the dentist. And, a month later, it’s still not fixed. Just the sort of situation that makes me feel crummy, ugly, alienated, and is no bueno on the mental health side.

So, in this practice, I was guided to relaxation, and then asked to picture my wounded/pain/shame self. Sure enough, it looked like a female Gollum. Scraggly hair, emaciated, grasping, a few stubby teeth, pale, greenish yellow skin, dark sunken eyes, and a sort of vicious hunger, and long unkempt nails on a boney hand.

Then, similar to an inner child soothing practice, I was guided to feel for this creature. And I did feel a lot like you see Frodo react to Gollum. Grossed out, not wanting to be touched, disgusted. But, similar to Frodo, I began to understand the creature me, and see how that was me, or a reflection of me, and feel for it.

I didn’t try to keep some evil bling. But I did feel a bit like Frodo dangling over the lava in Mt. Doom, when Samwise reached down and said “Don’t you let go.” But it was me reaching down to me. Telling myself not to let go. To remember the Shire and the taste of strawberries; the good things that make life worth living. That I didn’t have to follow my pain into the pit. That I could lift myself up from what I feared and to a sort of freedom. Gollum-me served its purpose. It did protect me and keep me alive when my life was about survival and lack. When I was alone and curled into a ball, howling, holding myself, staring into The Nothing.

I recognized the shadow me. And I felt a great lifting afterwards, and a clarity. Not that I want to carry the metaphor forward in the book version, or even the film version that still has Frodo marked with his wounds and dying an early death. But, if nothing else, Frodo represents just a very average Hobbit who had to carry a very heavy burden. He’s no doubt based on Tolkien’s young comrades he saw transformed by World War I. The first PTSD case in fantasy fiction.

Mind you, my brain may have been a bit off due to a Covid infection, but the practice really helped shift something in me. I’ve always identified a lot with Frodo. And regardless of what your inner/shadow/creature self looks like to you, I offer my experience as hope that, with time and loving kindness, we can all find freedom from the monsters inside.

Namaste, you legends!

– JL βœŒπŸΌπŸ’šπŸ––πŸΌπŸ’πŸ˜·πŸ˜

If you’re considering suicide, self harm, or have a mental health crisis: call or text 988 any time to talk or text with someone from the National Suicide Prevention and Crisis Hotline. Help is always available in English or Spanish.

Check out my Instagram!! And connect with me on Facebook here and here.

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Stop Explaining Yourself. Why explaining ourselves to Gaslighters, bullies, and abusers never works.

Image created by author with Nightcafe AI.

There are two types of people we will meet in the world. There are the folks who don’t get us, or we them, and it’s not a big deal. Just move along. Then there are the ones who do get us. Which sounds perfect. Generally, these are folks we can talk and joke with, be honest and ourselves around. We can disagree, but generally without intending harm, and difference is welcome.

Unfortunately, not everyone who “gets us” is in it for friendship or love. Sometimes the people who understand us best are the ones who use that knowledge against us.

Those who treat us as less than, undeserving, and make us feel small usually know us very well. Just like a conman can choose their “mark” from a crowd, or a poker player can read another player’s “tell,” these types, sometimes called “dark empaths,” have us pegged and they’ll use that understanding against us.

Don’t feel bad if you find yourself in this situation. Usually, it’s a backhanded recognition of our strengths. Strengths they may not have, and envy. But we still need to equip ourselves to handle this insidious form of psychological manipulation.

The most vulnerable to attack in this way are “people pleasers.” We want to do good, keep the peace, and make others happy. We were probably brought up that way. Very young children usually believe that bad things are their fault. This causes overwhelming feelings of self-doubt, shame, self-loathing, and can follow us to an early grave (those of us with Trauma, Depression, Anxiety have worse health outcomes than the general population).

That pain can lead us to think that we are, at our core, somehow essentially wrong. That we’re guilty of all sorts of horrors, and it’s only a matter of time until others notice and we receive our just punishment. People who want to control us, put us down, and keep us there know this intuitively. It’s as though they know exactly where we hurt and insist on poking that spot.

Many of us become angry, reclusive, depressed, hyper vigilant, rigid, and constantly on edge looking for the next threat. On some level we may understand that the problem is not with us, but we may not know how to successfully turn this understanding into healing and separation from our tormentors within and without.

Once we realize that the person we trusted, loved, and probably stood up for despite our own welfare is undermining and Gaslighting us, we tend to go on the defense. We want to prove that we are good, deserving, and loveable just as we are. Of course, one of the main elements of Gaslighting is to deny our version of events, question our memories, our intelligence, and our sanity.

We may write down what others say to us that hurts so that we can prove to ourselves and the world that we are not crazy, or bad, evil, or selfish.

We could document conversations, remember specific phrases, or instances so we can say: “Look. I’ve written it all down. I took screenshots. I have it on video.”

But ultimately, all that self explaining will not be effective on a person out to use and/or Gaslight us into submission and agreement. The reason this does not work is not that the other person lacks understanding, it’s because they understand precisely what they are doing. In fact, they may outright deny or claim not to remember what we are talking about. They will only become more adamant in their judgement against us the more evidence and defence we provide. And they will most likely twist that information to their advantage.

So how do we escape that trap? First, we need to understand that, despite the protests of the other, that they are the problem. Their hurts, insecurities, fears are being reflected onto us to lift their own poor self confidence or self concept. Since they actually do get us in a profound way, we could earn the Nobel Peace Prize, yet these folks would find a way to discredit the prize, the achievement, and use it against us.

Secondly, we may attempt to “unmask” these people publicly. To gain enough of the world’s sympathy for our cause that we can bring our tormentors to account. This is not wrong in itself. The #MeToo movement, and the revelations of the extent of child abuse by the Catholic Church and other clergy are positive examples of how, with a lot of inner strength, effort, and the right allies, the powerful (even if they are only powerful in our minds) can be brought to account.

What we need to accept, above all else, is that we are, in fact, OK. That all people make bad decisions, act foolishly, accidentally burp at the dinner table or fart in church. But these people don’t seem to suffer for their humanity like we do. They embrace their silly, weird, awkward, and sometimes painful, unflattering, or boring parts of themselves. Because all people are burping, farting weirdos who do embarrassing dances or sing bad karaoke at a party.

Once we begin to see how much more like other people we are, it becomes easier to forgive and, most importantly, love ourselves. The spell of the Gaslighter may never fully be undone, but we can minimize their power. And, just as we would go to the doctor for antibiotics, there are people who specialize in helping broken people heal. And what needs healing is usually the heart. And it’s helpful to have a professional to guide us.

That is why therapists demonstrate unconditional positive regard for their clients. They are not there to lecture you. They’re there to help you to come to understand yourself and love yourself. With the guidance of a good therapist we can learn to embrace ourselves, farts and burps and embarrassing singing included.

As we learn to love and celebrate ourselves, we will learn self-confidence, and the freedom to simply exist as we are without excuses. We may take up an instrument and play it badly, but enjoy playing anyway. Our yearly karaoke serenade at a Christmas party could become a high point of good natured fun and pride in our shared foibles. And what could be more vulnerable yet human than dancing? But mainly, we will learn that what we’ve been told by others who enjoy our confusion and pain are lies.

So, let’s stop explaining ourselves. Don’t feed the predators any more information or attention. Starve them until they either seek help for their own damaged selves, or turn on someone else. Don’t cast your pearls before swine. Save them for the folks who love us: bad singing, stamp collecting, Klingon Cosplaying, wool dying, wilderness forager, Magic card enthusiast, whatever it is that makes us the unique and improbable people we are.

And remember. So far as we know, we are the only species in the vast Universe that can reflect on ourselves, our world, and Universe. We live on a magnificent oasis in the desert of space and time. Our lives, however long or short, matter because space is big, time is long, but we get the privilege of just being here now. Spend your time with people who get you and love you as you are. And once you learn to love yourself, spread it around.

Namaste, you legends!

– JL βœŒπŸΌπŸ’™πŸ’›πŸ––πŸΌπŸŽΈπŸ’πŸŒžπŸŒŒ

If you’re considering suicide, self harm, or have a mental health crisis: call or text 988 any time to talk or text with someone from the National Suicide Prevention and Crisis Hotline. Help is always available in English or Spanish.

Check out myΒ Instagram!! And connect with me on FacebookΒ hereΒ andΒ here.

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The Elephant in Your Brain

Image generated by author on nightcafe ai.

Don’t think of an elephant! You’re thinking of an elephant, right? And no matter how hard you try not to think of an elephant, that elephant is still there, isn’t it? What if Bob Newhart shouted, “Stop thinking of an elephant or I’ll bury you alive with an elephant!” Didn’t work, did it?

What would I rather not think about? It’s a long list. But I’ll go with the most recent: I finally was going to see Morrissey in concert, and well, golly but he cancelled. I knew there was a chance he would, so I suppressed my anxiety and excitement. When he cancelled, I felt this rush of rage, and almost relief. I’m not in the depths of despair over all this. But I am a bit sad. That concert had been the elephant I was trying not to think of.

We all have those elephants we don’t want to think of. That big party to host. That phone call. Bills. That elephant grows in your mind until you pay attention to it. When we stop struggling to not think of it and give in, pay attention to it, and do what we need to, the elephant disappears.

Carl Jung, a pioneer of psychology and psychiatry, thought that we all had a conscious self and a shadow self that was the opposite of our conscious self. He encouraged his patients to find that shadow that drove them to unhealthy thoughts and behaviors, and let it out to play a little, so to speak. He used art, exercise, hallucinogens, dance etc to help his patients explore what their shadow was trying to tell them. So in a safe, relaxing, and supervised setting they paid attention to that elephant they didn’t want to think of, before it took over their lives. Enough of his patients successfully recovered through these methods that we still use them.

Sometimes the elephants were are trying not to think of are like the shadow selves of Jung’s patients. They can be terrifying, deeply sad, lonely, or enraging thoughts. But when we try to push them away, they only grow until you can barely not think of them. They are taking over.

What if you just made a little space for your elephant, shadow, thoughts and feelings? If you could calm yourself down, relax, and begin to feel safe around your elephant, what do you think could happen? Bad feelings are reminders to us to pay attention, just like good feelings are then our rewards.

The past, the future are the same in that they do not exist. The thoughts we have about them are like air. They cannot hurt us. Our brains are spitting up these thoughts because it really wants us to pay attention to them. Not by resisting, but by feeling calm and safe in the present enough to allow them to just be, do we win. The way to stop thinking about the elephant is by letting ourselves think of the elephant for a moment.

So, going back to my disappointment about the concert, my stressball of sadness had to be reckoned with. Little ticked. Mellow has been harshed. But I am not going to stop listening to my favorite singer/songwriter or his band. It’s some of my favorite music. So I put on my Smiths/Morrissey playlist, and did some Molly Ringwald dancing. I felt sad with the sad songs.Β  And was grateful someone sang these dramatic lyrics about everyday troubles with that swooning voice. I was happy. The elephant was gone.

That’s obviously a minor example. But if we truly learn to calm down, feel safe and in the present enough that we can make a little room for our big elephants. Then we can heal. Then we can entertain them for a moment, but then show them the door.

NamastΓ© you legends.

-JL βœŒπŸΌβ€οΈπŸ§‘πŸ’›πŸ’šπŸ’™πŸ’œπŸ–€πŸ€πŸ€ŽπŸ––πŸΌπŸŒ»

Check out my Instagram!! And connect with me on Facebook here and here.

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