Let me start with a disclaimer: aside from the fur variety, I’ve never had children. But I have had to learn self-care, which can be a daunting prospect for someone who experiences feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt, and depression. But thanks to my shameless pleasure in reading advice columns, I have come to hone in on what basic self-care looks like: taking care of a baby or child.
Despite my lack of children, I was one! And I know what I needed then, and what I need(ed) when I’m in a deep hole. So, let’s look at the basics. A child needs to be clean, clothed, fed, and safe. If child services would remove a kid from their home for neglect of these vitals, who will remove us from our self-neglect if not ourselves? And how can we make this easy when everything seems hard?
Let’s start with clean. As George Carlin points out, we only really need to wash a few areas every day: face, teeth, pits, feet, butt, and not necessarily in that order. Smelling and feeling fresh and clean are uplifting. If you’ve ever gone camping or swimming in a lake, stream, or the ocean, you know how great that hot shower at home feels. You don’t need to wash your hair, give yourself a mani-pedi, and spend an hour in front of the mirror. Just get clean. Set up your bathroom to make it easy. Toothbrush, paste, soap, deodorant. Put them in a row so you don’t have to think about it, or forget whether you put on deodorant like me. Do the same in your shower or bath. I know where my soap, wash cloth, razor, and hair conditioner are with soap in my eyes. I even put a pumice stone there in case I’m feeling wild! Heck, wet wipes will do! But try not to go much over 24 hrs without doing the George Carlin. It’s a physical and mental boost. And brush your hair, don’t just comb it. It’s like a little scalp massage.
Clothed. This seems self evident, but one thing the Pandemic taught me was exactly how long I could re-wear my clothes. I don’t mean you need a full wardrobe change and daily laundry. But I’ve found that changing undies, socks, and shirts is a start that helps. And it goes with getting clean. Why put your clean butt into stanky drawers? Have you looked at the bottoms of your foots or socks? Do you want to put those in your bed with all that toe-jam football? It’s also helpful for me to change from morning to day to night. Even if I’m not all showered, just changing from my night to day yoga pants, and back gives more structure to the day.
Fed. This is one I fail at constantly. But if I don’t want to find myself faint and hangry by 5pm, and eating til bedtime, I need to. I make it easy. Making things easy is setting yourself up for success in anything. Yogurt, banana, and some fruit or vegetables in a smoothie. Leave hot cereal in the microwave over night with water, then heat it up. Heck just grab a banana, eat a tin of sardines, peanut butter out of the jar or with an apple (and some good hard pretzels for my Lancaster area friends). Have things to hand that are (relatively) healthy and give you the energy you need over the course of the day. If you’re feeling wild and crazy, make a bunch or rice or pasta that you can use for a few days. And remember that coffee is NOT a food group!
Safe. This can mean a lot of things from leaving an unsafe situation, to calling a friend, big barky dog owning, self defense, to self soothing techniques. I didn’t know about the resources for abused spouses when I left, and I went through at least a year of very precarious living, and mental/emotional turmoil and dissociation. It’s vital to find a support network. And there are resources out there. I recommend your local Y. The YWC/JA can usually help (yes, men too), and if they can’t, they point out how. Whether your needs are temporary housing, food, dry goods, clothes, tampons and pads, therapy, or a swim or workout. If your physical needs for safety are met, including food security, the next step in feeling safe means feeling safe in your own body. This is an entirely separate post, but by learning to “baby” yourself you’ll be on your way. Being comfy, fed, and clean are a start, and the connections you’ll begin to make between positive physical sensations and feeling good can help lead you in the right direction.
Stop neglecting yourself. Maybe your parents didn’t provide you with one or all of the above mentioned necessities. Or perhaps you lost any sense of self care through stress, depression, trauma, or overwhelm. But these are the essentials. The basics. The bare bones of beginning to treat yourself with the dignity you deserve. To reparent or repair yourself with care. And if you happen to be one of those folks who cares for everyone but themselves, this is the way to avoid depleting yourself. Because, as an adult, if you don’t care for you, who will?
Namasté legends, take care and stay safe!
– JL ✌🏼💚💐
If you or anyone you know is experiencing domestic/sexual violence please contact RAIIN by phone or chat.
If you’re considering suicide, self harm, or have a mental health crisis: call or text 988 any time to talk or text with someone from the National Suicide Prevention and Crisis Hotline. Help is always available in English or Spanish.
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