Let’s say you’re a soldier. I’m thinking of WWII, the Ardennes Forest in France, and the Battle of the Bulge — snowy, cold, Christmas time. Nazi shelling killed the rest of your squad, but you survived. You were just “lucky.” You go to a hospital where you are sedated, sleep a long time, then go back home to your family in The States. You get married, make babies, have a career. The American Dream.

You may do OK. But how would snow be different for you? Maybe you loved it as a kid, but as an adult it’s always associated in your mind with your squad that day in the Ardennes forest. People may even comment on it. “You used to love snow!” Or, “The kids really want you to take them sledding.” “It’s just a little snow!” How do you think you’d react? What if a friend asked you hunting in the snow? Gun fire in the snow in the forest? Even fireworks. How’d that work out?

If you’re thinking, yeah they make movies about this stuff. Wounded warrior. Guy comes back, can’t adjust, drinks, maybe gets violent, won’t do certain things. And…he has flashbacks.

What really is a flashback? Sometimes it’s pictured as a visual hallucination in a dream. But it’s more than that. How does the person having the dream wake up? They’re in a pool of sweat, screaming, starting up from bed. That’s because flashbacks have more to do with a bodily response to something that triggers their emotional, raw, as it happened memory.

In The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk, he explains the parts of the brain and glands that cause this. But he says the underlying issue is basically this: our brains evolve in the womb as they did in our evolution. At the bottom is the Lizard Brain coming into the base of our heads. That detects threats, and controls other survival mechanisms. Above that is the warm-blooded Mammal Brain. This deals with the emotions a step beyond flight, fight, freeze. On top of that I’ll just call our Big Dumb Ape Brain that deals with reason and logic.

You know when you have an immediate, Lizard Brain moment. Say you’re out walking and a car is speeding towards you, and you roll out of the way like you’re Tom Cruise doing his own stunts. You probably don’t even remember anything going through your head. You just acted. That is the Lizard Brain in action. The emotions you have a short while later is your Mammal Brain letting out all the variety of feels. And, up the information eventually goes to the Big Dumb Ape Brain to the centers of logic etc, where you say, “Whew! That was lucky!” And you go for a walk the next day.

Now let’s say you watched that happen to another pedestrian. And they were hurt or worse. You were helpless to do anything to help them. You might feel about walking as our hypothetical solider does about snow.

So, what’s the difference? Why can you move on in the case where you were able to get away, and not in the one where you were helpless to do anything? Because you were helpless. Your mind wants to restore the house to order, send things up the brain chain, but your Lizard Brain is like, “No. I’m going to keep pumping out adrenaline until this is over.” You can’t fight your dead comrades back to life. You can’t run for safety. You can’t save anyone. So there you are. Stuck between fight and flight.

That is why the body reacts with all sorts of strange chemical signals when you have been helpless. Reminders immediately call up that moment as it happened while you were helpless. And that’s why you don’t want to go for a walk, and even the thought of snow or fireworks or guns triggers a physical reenactment of the original event. This is the essence of Trauma. You’re stuck in Lizard Brain when you need to move things up along to the emotional and then rational mind, where you put things in perspective

This sort of powerless experience, not to mention the related shame, sense of constantly being on the edge of certain doom, will eclipse your life. Some folks become addicts: to video games, to gambling, food, drugs and alcohol, violence, self-harm, porn, suicide, and XTREME sports.  These things both numb the emotional discomfort and cause health, social and family problems. If you’re constantly on edge, how can you keep from emotional outbursts even with the people you love? This is not an excuse to behave badly, it’s just an explanation of what is happening.

So, how to begin to let ourselves feel our feelings without acting out, hurting others, and fueling our own unhappiness? How do we calm down that Lizard Brain and begin to heal?

Obviously, a good trauma informed therapist is helpful, but not always accessible. Although the Y does offer trauma informed counseling, and there are groups if that is your thing. Medication may be helpful to establish a stronger mental foundation to work on. But I wouldn’t recommend medication without a therapist, if you can help it. And the larger your village of choice and support, the better.

In the meantime though, I can suggest some very simple practices and essential messages to get through to yourself. You need to learn to feel physically safe in your own body. You need to learn that you’re OK. You’re not embarrassing. You are no less worthy than any other human being. Everybody does dumb stuff. You’re fine. You’re totally fine. There’s no shame in your feelings or in what you couldn’t prevent or stop. And there is zero shame if you acted out that sense of unworthiness, lack of safety, numbing, and powerlessness for a long time.

You can talk or write about these feelings. You can write about stuff that you are afraid of or resent then set it on fire. You can run or shake or dance it out. Exercise like yoga. A walk outside, especially near nature. Anything to get you out if your brain and into your body.

But here is one simple practice I can recommend. It helps me feel in the present moment, to remove myself from whatever is troubling me, and try to gain that perspective I wasn’t able to process in helpless moments.

Get comfy, lying down or sitting. Back straight but relaxed.  Close your eyes. Take in a few deep breaths, hold for a second, then open your jaw and sigh that air slowly out. Do that a few times. Roll your shoulders down and back your rib cage and away from your ears. Notice where you are. Are there any sounds? If there are too many, can you listen for the silences? Relax the muscles in your face and scalp. Keep breathing rhythmically. Just let your body take over. As you breathe, feel into your feet your toes, your legs, stomach, hips, back, chest, shoulders, arms, hands, neck, and back to the top of your head. Feel where your weight touches the floor or surface. Notice the textures, the feel of the air, the smell. And continue to use your breath to sense and relax your body. If thoughts and emotions arrive, pay them attention, ask what they want to tell you, thank them and let them go. And just keep repeating this until you feel a little separation between yourself and the thoughts and emotions.

That is the beginning of peace and healing. That plus a routine of basic self-care. Learning to feel OK, safe, and even good in your body. Shedding shame and replacing it with self-love and compassion. It may only be the start of your journey,  but it helps me. I mean, bully for you if you’ve made it anywhere in life without confronting some helplessness that reappears as demons. But for those of us who do, understanding is the key to undoing the damage to your mind and body. I hope this helps.

Namaste you survival, warrior legends!

– JL ✌🏼💚💐🫠

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