I did it. I went and made myself sick. I knew I was doing it too. I can always tell, and I usually ignore it and end up sick. Sometimes I have to push through with all I got. Sometimes I don’t, but I make myself give all I got anyway. Regardless, the result is the same. Overwhelm, burn out, sickness.

The week before last was a complete strain on every nerve and fiber of my being. I had to think about and plan for possible major life changes beyond my existing plan to move, which is already stressful. But when external forces move me to act, I’m gonna. I won’t sit by and let anyone dictate my fate anymore. I’ve done that. It’s horrible. And it nearly broke me.

I still struggle with the idea that I am disabled and why. Suffice to say that I did not give myself repeated head injuries until I developed traumatic brain injury, needed dental work for the first time in my life or give myself a cognitive speech disorder. But disability makes me dependent to a degree that makes me vulnerable. There are too many jerks in the world.

I’m still intelligent, but I also have trauma, and I’m neurodivergent. It’s a helluva mix. I need to follow routines to ground me and keep me going. I have difficulty communicating properly. My emotions are hard to control, and — just for fun —  I am hyper alert for signs that I am in danger.

Danger takes many forms for me. It can be a noisy car engine, someone at the door or even a song that I don’t want to allow into my brain. It can also be the real or perceived threat of losing what I have, like where I live, people I love, food. It can mean fear for my physical safety. It can mean isolation, grief, losing friends and relatives. It can mean being alone in a world that does not care.

So, while some of those are inevitable, I’ll do just about anything to avoid the evitable ones from becoming reality. In the past, I’ve left the country and lived abroad. I enjoyed living abroad. That was a choice. I am generally better off when I make a move on my own out of choice, but I resent being forced to the point unprepared and unawares. It makes things needlessly harder.

It’s impossible to understand how terrifying being forced out of your home is unless you have experienced it. Being made to leave something relatively stable and comfortable for a complete unknown over and over means I struggle with feeling supported, that anything can be trusted to last or turn out well.

So, if I find what stability, security and peace I have created threatened, I will go to extremes to reimpose my external and internal systems that hold me and my life together.

I guess the best clue to where I was headed could be that manic, painfully fun song I kept listening to that I wrote about in my last post. And, in true ND fashion, when I get hung up on a song I play it over and over. It’s running through my head constantly. Listening to the song releases some of the tension that creates and somehow soothes me.

If only I had really listened to what that song was saying, “I’m running through life. I’m not enjoying things. I’m unhappy where I am so I keep moving hoping to outpace it. I’m lonely. I’m sad. I have questions but no sure answers. I feel lost. I’m just ticking boxes. I am numbing out because I feel pain.”

As it turned out, increasing my mental and physical efforts to achieve some calm, some peace, some sleep, some exercise, some nutrition did work to a degree. But then, in my desperation to move, I pushed myself to redo the front garden so it’s more traditional and appealing, and I shouldn’t have. I needed a break. It’s the saying, “People who cannot find time for recreation are obliged sooner or later to find time for illness.”

The hosta had a week to start coming up. But at what price? Almost a week sick.

I can see this cycle happen in my yoga practice, too. If I’m using my body too hard by going through intense vinyasa or strength building practices every day, which I was, my body will rebel. It needs rest. My mind needs rest.

So I got sick. And it was restorative yoga, soup, ginger tea and Skyrim for me for several days.  Yoga’s philosophy of “ease” really helps. It means that even during physical and mentally challenging practices, you smooth the skin of your brow, unclench your jaw, breathe and move “like you love yourself.”

That’s what I’m working on. Not allowing the stress of what I have to do affect the pace and ease with which I do it. To breathe and move like I love myself. And not to constantly strain myself over stresses, challenges, projects. Sometimes you gotta hustle to get out in front of problems. But there is a way to go about it that I’m trying to master. It is balance, it is ease.

Unfortunately, one box I did not tick over this time was blogging! So, here we are! It’s OK to miss a day, but never miss two, is something I heard that seems to work. I just finished a loving and gentle yoga practice. I have some tea and toast and my vanilla soy milk take on Orange Julius with banana. I reminded myself that the Earth has my back. And repeated, “I surrender. I trust. I release.” It all helps!

What do you do to help ease burnout or avoid it? Do you look for ways to find balance? What works for you? What are your signs that you’re headed towards overwhelm and making time for illness? Let me know!

Take care of yourself out there. You’re awesome. You matter. You body and mind are amazing and improbable. You are the only you in the Universe. You’re a legend. Protect that!

Namaste,

J.Lakis

✌🏻🤒🤢❤️‍🩹🤟🏼

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