The worst crime in the mafia is talking. Omerta, the code of remaining silent about a crime family’s activities to authorities and outsiders, is lethally enforced. In mob families the violence, murder, drugs, loan sharking and pimping are not the crimes, talking is.

Abusive families work like the mafia. Dad beating you isn’t the crime, but calling Child Protective Services is. That will get your butt whooped. And your family will blame you for making Dad upset because, so long as it is your butt and not theirs, they are fine. They are benefitting from the system.

But if you upset the family system outsiders will know about the abuse, that they were a part of the abuse and that they did nothing. They allowed that abuse to occur, kept quiet and now they all look bad. The family looks bad, not just the abuser. And they want to make sure you know that is your fault. You betrayed them in their upside down world.

It’s a racket. A rigged system designed to make sure that you always lose, and keep on losing forever until you die or end up in jail. Childhood abuse and trauma — including physical, emotional / mental and sexual abuse, neglect and other significant traumas — are not only positively linked to poor mental and physical health and early death, but also to substance abuse, failed relationships, failure academically and professionally, as well as greater chance of incarceration.

Abuse and neglect, untreated, will lead to failure and your early grave. And it’s absolutely meant to because the more you fail, the more those who participated in the abusive family mafia system get to say that you deserved your abuse. That you were bad all along.

Show me a mother who wants her son to be her pseudo-boyfriend or drinking buddy or daughter to remain dependent or stuck in a similar life as hers, yet remain her emotional caretaker, and I’ll show you a woman who does not want you to succeed as an independent adult. Show me a sibling who dismisses your abuse, and I’ll show you someone whose success in life is at least partly based in the pain you absorbed for them. A father who uses guilt over his age to get you to visit or call? A man desperate to prove he still has power over you.

For you to escape, to succeed, to get therapy and talk to others about what happened is never the goal of any member of a family that participates in the abusive, toxic dynamic. You have to fail for them to still remain the good guys, keep their fake sense of self and protect their own self-righteous behinds.

Significant others also pose a threat to families with an abusive dynamic. There is too much at stake for the participants in your abuse for you to find someone who will love you and want the best for you — especially an outsider with a clear view of the situation. You will tell their secrets! You might stop doing their bidding! They might be left completely alone in their old age! They will lose control over you.

The truth will set you free, but it is not the easy path. You will be frozen out of the family, subtly or not. They will do and say anything to get you back under control. “Mom is sick, you need to take care of her.” “They don’t really love you! (Unspoken: Who besides us would?)” “You never come to [holiday] dinner since you moved in with them!” “They’re not good enough for you.” “They’re using you!” “They think they’re better than us.” “Snob.” “Stupid.” “Whore.” “Gold-digger.” “Crazy.” “Fat/ugly/wrong religion/race/ethnicity.”

All of these statements have the same meaning: Your life doesn’t matter and no one but us really loves you because well, look at you! And anyone who would love you is insane or using you or both. Honestly, they will say anything and everything.

Taking it all together, you realize it makes no sense. It’s not meant to. It’s meant to confuse, upset and manipulate you.

Let them have their hissy fit. But you heal yourself. Make your health, mental and physical, your number one priority. Make yourself your number one priority because you matter. You are not whatever they have said, called you or insinuated. You have just as much right to try for a good, healthy and long life as anyone else.

Speak your truth. Everything happened. You might not remember everything that happened, but what you remember happening, happened. You’re not crazy. You’re not exaggerating. You’re not being dramatic. You’re not being selfish. You are right.

Above all else, be kind to yourself. Trauma drives self-destructive behavior because you were raised to think you deserve bad things to happen to you. Your family needs you to believe that, or you are no longer serving their interests. You have to matter to yourself. Your life has to matter to you. Your happiness has to matter to you.

All abuse and dysfunction works along the same lines. Research into trauma and trauma-informed therapy has blossomed into effective treatments, such as EMDR, that will help you rewire your brain and eliminate the old, worn pathways you’ve spent your life locked into. Freedom and healing are available to you.

Read some books like The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. Develop some healthy habits that make you feel good. There’s an entire internet out there, use it for more than doom scrolling. Put helpful apps on your phone. Go on the Psychology Today website, read some articles and use their therapist database to find a trauma-informed therapist.

If you can’t afford a therapist, use the YWCA Access program that works on a sliding scale or free basis. See what laws your state has regarding providing free mental health assistance for victims of crimes such as sexual assault, child abuse or domestic violence. Some states don’t require reporting of those crimes to access services at no cost.

But for the love of yourself and your life, the parts of it you lost and the rest that is to come, talk about what happened. It is the first step towards healing. Take it.

There are some sick folks out there, unfortunately some of us are related to them. Make a “family” of your choice. And never forget: you’re a legend, and a wizard legend at that, and a wizard should know better.

Namasté,

-J.Lakis

✌🏻❤️‍🩹😎🤟🏼

If you or anyone you know has experienced sexual violence please contact RAIIN, for Domestic Violence in the US contact The Hotline. Both are available 24/7 by phone or chat in English and Spanish.

If you’re considering suicide, self harm or have a mental health crisis: call or text 988 any time to talk or text with someone from the National Suicide Prevention and Crisis Hotline. Help is always available in English or Spanish. LGBTQ+ youth in crisis? Contact:  The Trevor Project.

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