I pulled a man off a bicycle and onto the hood of a car because I was angry. He had just stolen my bag, and like Spiderman, I reached out and grabbed the strap as he rode by, pulled my bag out of his hands and he fell onto a parked car. Anger is powerful stuff.

Depression, though, makes us feel powerless. When we’re caught in depression, we think that life is bad and will always be bad. We forget the one thing we can always count on: things always change. Whether change comes with sirens or trumpets all at once or slowly as a stream cutting through a mountain, it comes. It’s inevitable.

When we forget that change always happens, we feel our world close in and see no way out. We cannot imagine an end to our own unhappiness. We feel positive things will be this bad forever.

It makes sense then that we turn to anger to create change. Anger makes us feel powerful. Anger is something we can act on, feel righteous in and lets us puff ourselves up. Anger makes things happen.

It’s a trap!

We may have every right to feel angry. We may have been abused, betrayed, put down, left out or, worst of all, simply ignored. We could say that depression is our anger turned on ourselves. We begin to feel that we deserve to feel bad, just like so-and-so said.

But part of us knows this is not true. Deep down we know we feel bad because we have been treated badly and that we’ve lost faith in ourselves.

And that makes us angry. If we have been treated unfairly then we will feel angry. This is natural. There is no way to stop it. Anger is not a thought. It is a biological response — something we feel.

The problem comes when we get stuck in our anger. Anger is important and exists for reasons like self-preservation. It makes us feel we deserve better, which is something we do not feel when we are depressed.

Anger is a rush. It is a literal flooding of our body with chemicals that cause our heart to beat fast so that we feel energy and can do what we normally can’t. We feel super motivated. There’s a reason for that.

It’s similar to the little old lady who lifts a truck off a child, only anger is for self-defense. It’s me, little old lady of the future, pulling that guy who tried to steal my bag off his bike. That’s why anger is so intense. It has to be. The problem comes when we aren’t translating the signals right.

We get stuck in anger because it feels better than depression. But it’s easy to mistake why we are feeling it and what to do. We stake out our position of being wronged, betrayed, maltreated and on and on. And we may have a list of excellent reasons to feel this way. Being abused, put down, left out, talked about or, worst of all, ignored all kill our sense of our own worth. We can have all the right reasons to feel angry, but still be wrong by holding onto that anger.

Holding onto anger keeps us in that Depressive loop. “Oh, something made me feel bad. Now I’m angry! I did something that makes me feel bad while I was angry. Now I’m depressed again. And then something made me feel bad. Now I’m angry!” This is how we become lonely. Why we become irritable.

What we need to stop this cycle is to give ourselves a little grace. Pretend we were a good friend or a beloved niece or nibling. How do we treat that person if they have experienced something bad and are acting upset? We comfort them. We say, “There, there, it’s OK. It’s OK. Calm down. Blow your nose.”

We need to do this for ourselves. We need to learn to cut ourselves some slack. Have a little kindness. Show some sympathy and compassion. Have some grace.

And then, once we’ve calmed down, blown our noses and washed our face, we can be curious about and name what is making us angry. If we note every time we feel anger, we might start to see a pattern. We might figure out why we really feel angry and name it. We could work with it and see where it takes us. We could learn to feel better, do better and then feel even more bettererer.

But we can only do that from a place of calm and grace. Grievances and grudges will never make us happy. Sitting in our anger will never make us happy. We need to learn from it. Anger is powerful because it is important. It helps us defend ourselves. But not all situations warrant the same level of defense. Maybe we’re always at threat level orange, and all we need is one excuse to go nuclear. It’s a good idea to take that system apart.

And we start by loving ourselves enough to let ourselves be angry over being mistreated, calming ourselves down and figuring out what’s really going on. We can’t be angry and happy. We can’t withhold love and understanding from ourselves and be happy. And who doesn’t want to be happy? Even the person mourning their child imagines happiness. Maybe it’s an impossible happiness, like the return of the child, but they still want to feel happy. To feel good.

The extra bonus part about figuring this out is that we then can become kinder people. We can forgive a little more easily if we think of the other person as acting for the same reasons we do. We can learn to be a bit more tolerant when we see someone in the grip of feelings they cannot control. We don’t have to engage with their distress if we’re not strong enough, but maybe we can learn how much we can achieve. Because what we’ve taken back from our depression and anger is really the only thing we can control in this life. Ourselves.

Now, drop and give me twenty positive affirmations, you legend!

Namasté,

-JLakis

✌🏻❤️‍🩹😎🤌🏻

If you or anyone you know has experienced sexual violence please contact RAIIN, for Domestic Violence in the US contact The Hotline. Both are available 24/7 by phone or chat in English and Spanish.

If you’re considering suicide, self harm or have a mental health crisis: call or text 988 any time to talk or text with someone from the National Suicide Prevention and Crisis Hotline. Help is always available in English or Spanish. LGBTQ+ youth in crisis? Contact:  The Trevor Project.

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