Aside from Jaws and clowns, nothing is more terrifying than being powerless to get the basic necessities of life. But that is how we are born and remain for longer than any other animal on Earth. Unlike animals that have to run within minutes of their birth or become someone else’s dinner, we are absolutely dependent on our caregivers for about sixteen years.

That requires that we learn how to get what we need from our caregivers or we die. That’s why babies are cute. So our parents are less likely to harm us and more likely to respond to our need to be changed or fed. Even as we grow more independent, the desire for love and attention from our caregivers does not go away. No one wants to be unwanted, for a child it’s dangerous. So we become hyper tuned into the moods of our parents fast.

Unfortunately, we don’t have to take a test to become a parent. Almost anyone can create a child, and they are not always up to the job. And illness, disabilities and tragedy can strike even the best, most prepared families at any time. But what does that have to do with us?

Think about it. What did you have to do as a child to survive in your family? Answering that question can give us important information as adults. And it can save the rest of our lives because what we learned to live with and how we learned to cope is probably still our default mode, and we need to update our OS.

If a parent was angry we will learn to avoid triggering their wrath. We might learn the code to pleasing them, of keeping them relatively calm. Or we might learn to detach ourselves from our surroundings and keep our shields up. We might learn how to stay quiet and avoid trouble, even if our tummies are rumbling.

Having survived that, we may go out into the world only to find ourselves placating an angry partner or boss. We were raised to be that, think it is normal and we got really good at being that person. It makes sense.

Or, perhaps our caregivers were neglectful. Even a loving parent can be distracted by a sick sibling, a demanding partner or have an illness of their own! What a terrible thought for a child. Knowing their caregiver is sick and might even die. That can be life shattering as an adult, but as a child it is life threatening.

So what do we do then? We either learn to be like the demanding partner or we can learn to not bother mommy or daddy or sibling. We might become “grown up” or “mature for our age” — “parentified.” We might learn to fend for ourselves and sometimes even take care of our caregivers and/or siblings before we memorized our multiplication tables. But all people run into problems or make bad calls, especially young people. So, when we have a problem that is beyond our experience to handle, we might not know who or how to ask for help and simply fall apart.

The masks we wore as children to survive to adulthood may feel like who we are. But they are not. And finding what those masks look like is the first step towards giving ourselves what we needed as children that went beyond food, water and shelter. The first step towards change.

Things like Safety and Security, Loving and Belonging, Self Confidence are all stacked above the survival basics on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. If our family and childhood made us feel unsafe or insecure, we will grow up compensating for that maybe by becoming controlling or anxious. If we felt unloved, we will either become unlovable or seek out people who do not love us. If we do not believe in ourselves, we will stay stuck in a dead end town, job or relationship.

But knowing this helps! We all carry in our hearts the idea of the parents we wish we had. That is the unicorn we have chased our entire life. But the answer is not to look for that in the human being/s who raised us.

Our business is to be the parent that we still want. If we had to be perfect that means being kind to ourselves when we make mistakes because we will. If we had to be quiet and never express how we felt, we need to learn to shout our feels from the rooftops, or, at least, express our feelings in a healthy way. If we did not feel safe, we need to learn to regulate our nervous systems and be a safe space for ourselves. And if we were told we did not matter and can’t do anything, we need to tell ourselves that we do and we can.

Sounds easy, right? I kid. But figuring out what we had to do and who we had to be to survive as a child clears a lot up. When the comic strip therapist asks their client about their childhood, that is what they want to know and why they want to. It is not about blaming our problems on our childhoods. It is about understanding who and how we needed to be to survive as a helpless child because those are the keys to the kingdom of transformation for us as adults.

This can be an uncomfortable process. Sometimes you gotta call in the pros. If you do search for a therapist, look for someone with significant experience in trauma-informed therapy. You can find all that information, along with who takes your insurance, on Psychology Today’s website. The YWCA also offers free or sliding scale, trauma informed therapy for all genders.

Find out what helps you with self-understanding, personal growth and nervous system regulation. There are so many tools! Yoga works for me because I’m in my head all the time. Getting into my body, feeling pride in practicing, persistence and in what my body can do really helps. I also sing and dance a lot because I have a song in my heart. I am of the productive, invincible, invisible achiever variety. Turns out I’m vincible. But for some folks, sitting still with your thoughts and feelings, cultivating quiet, contemplation and calm might be the more challenging. Hey, none of these are fun gigs.

So, who did you go as for childhood? What do you need that you did not get? To paraphrase Capt. Janeway, there are answers in that nebula. Venture in, you legends. Find the plot to your adventure. Vini, vidi, vici that s[tuff].

Namasté you legendary creature,

-J.Lakis

✌🏼❤️‍🩹👻🎇🤟🏼

If you or anyone you know has experienced sexual violence please contact RAIIN, for Domestic Violence in the US contact The Hotline. Both are available 24/7 by phone or chat in English and Spanish.

If you’re considering suicide, self harm or have a mental health crisis: call or text 988 any time to talk or text with someone from the National Suicide Prevention and Crisis Hotline. Help is always available in English or Spanish. LGBTQ+ youth in crisis? Contact:  The Trevor Project.

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