People often ask why I keep re-reading William L. Shirer’s The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich. While others ask, “What good is a BFA in Film?” Well, here’s all your questions answered. I’ve had this footage from the film Downfall for a bit. I am not attempting to glorify Adolf Hitler. But instead to insist that calling everyone Hitler cheapens the evil this man wrought.
Both monstrous human beings and products of our imagination lie scattered throughout our species’ dodgy history to choose from when insulting Donald Trump, Bill Barr, random folks online, or your parents and Chemistry teachers. I recommend that all my friends take the time to look into my list of ten other really awful folks and characters you may consider using next time you feel that urge to toss a “Yes, mien Fuehrer,” at whoever mildly annoys you. “Heavy words are so lightly thrown.”
- Darth Vader: He wanted to rule the Galaxy, but was just a wormy dude in a mask. Death bed confession aside, I find Vader a go to for lawful evil, and imperialist intentions. Although I really sweat that Force Choke power. He is the ultimate embodiment of the man who has accepted his mask (persona) and role as a cog in the machine of evil that he himself has become, in the words of Obi-wan Kenobi, “more machine now than man.” He did kill the Emperor, until JJ Abrams resurrected him because JJ.
- JJ Abrams: Unquestionably awesome for his ability to establish both the main characters, themes, and mystery of “The Island” in the two-part “Pilot” of the series Lost. And in The Force Awakens. He has sinned against all Star Trek fans, recasting Kirk as an ne’er do well who somehow gains control of the Starfleet flagship Enterprise, destroying the Id, Ego, Super Ego relationship between Bones, Kirk, and Spock, and forcing Trek fans to accept action and special effects over the Trek brand of intelligent speculative fiction that reflects on modern issues. Good God man! It’s Trek not Star Wars! He is also the man known for complicated alternate timelines, disappointing endings, and Spock shouting “Khaaaaan!”
- Julius Caesar: He waged a savage campaign against the people of Gaul. And, while we all love his pithy, intelligent wit, and obvious charisma. He was a mass-murderer who waged illegal wars full of appalling inhumanity. He needed to stay in power to avoid prosecution for his many crimes. Instead he was stabbed by his “friends” at the feet of the statue of his old frenemy, Pompey Magnus.
- Brutus: The betrayer! The friend and “son he never had…or did he?” that literally stabbed Julius Caesar in the back. Brutus was looking to protect the rich Senatorial class, not the freedom of the Roman Republic or its citizens. His actions led to a vicious 10 year civil war that ended the Republic and ushered in the age of the Emperors.
- Napoleon: Don’t give this Corsican the, uh, short shrift! This former nobody rose through the ranks of the new French Republican Army, and then destroyed the Republic he fought for by naming, and crowning, himself Emperor. His successful quest for a way to preserve food aside, this guy began as a liberator, but ended up a conqueror and died alone on a rock.
- Al Capone: This repulsive individual wrote the book on organized crime. He ruled Chicago through terror, while little caring whether the booze he peddled made his desperately dry customers blind or dead. His code of Omerta (Silence), and demands for absolute loyalty from his “soldiers,” complete disregard for human life, money grubbing, and addiction to his own press lead to his ultimate downfall for, wait for it, tax evasion! And every Italian-American since has had to live under the shadow of this creep. Thankfully, he died a slow and horrible death due to syphilis!
- Pontius Pilate: Roman governor of Judea, played by David Bowie and Michael Palin equally well. His infamous “washing of his hands” of any involvement in the fate of Jesus of Nazareth, ranks him as the very first Quisling, and epitomizes the “eh, whatever” attitude of those who can’t be bothered to care.
- Vidkun Quisling: This Norwegian army officer’s name has become synonymous with “collaborator” and “traitor.” Nominally head of the Norwegian government during WWII, this particular jag-off was a Nazi plant and stooge, who helped jack boot out the legitimate government of Norway, and sold the nation and its people down the river to his Nazi overlords in Germany.
- Ahab: The first PTSD sufferer in literature. An undeniably great yet tragic man, who, unlike MacBeth or Oedipus, does not suffer from an inborn flaw, but instead suffers the results of a trauma. This fictional captain commanded the whaling ship Pequod. With a crew comprised of all faiths and races of Earth, he manages to unite the souls in his charge in his deadly personal quest for vengeance against a silent, monolithic beast of the unknown watery realms. Sending all, save one, to their death in his rage against what he perceives as the silence of an uncaring God.
- Jaws: The greatest terrorist. Yo. Jaws don’t give a fuck. Pretty young girl, a Chocolate Lab, kid on a raft, your wife’s holiday roast, awesome hung-over Irish actor? Jaws don’t give a fuck. Jaws is senseless evil. He embodies the power of nature and our animal impulses unleashed. He comes from the alien world beneath the water, the monster from the deep. The monster deep within ourselves, who will wreak havoc on human life if left unchecked. It takes Chief Brody — Ego — and Richard Dreyfuss — Super-ego — and the raging Id of Captain Quint to slay the beast and restore order and health to life. Both ancient and eternal, we all fear Jaws because Jaws is the ultimate unknowable. Jaws reminds us that monster within is always just lurking beneath the surface.
So, that’s my list of suggestions of other horribles, deplorables, and monsters to cite instead of Hitler. Let me know what you think of the video and my list! What would your list be? Tell me who or what nightmare fuel you’d add or remove in the comments below. And, remember, humanity has a deep bullpen when it comes to evil, both past and present. Heck, I didn’t even mention Stalin!
*First one to find the Easter Eggs in the video wins.
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