INT.  KITCHEN  –  DAY

A DEVASTATINGLY COOL INDIVIDUAL sits at a kitchen table blinking at the glowing screen of a laptop open in front of them. We hear A VOICE TALKING OFFSCREEN. It comes from the laptop. It’s a zoom call.

VOICE (OS)

I hear that you feel overwhelmed by everything in your life right now. You are so strong for doing as well as you are. You are incredibly resilient.

The Cool Individual draws a hard smile across their face. VOICE OFFSCREEN CONTINUES SPEAKING AND FADES INTO WHITE NOISE.

THE COOL INDIVIDUAL

Yes. Definitely. Thank you. Thanks. Yes. OK. Next week at eleven. Namaste.

The Cool Individual SNAPS the laptop shut. We see their hand flip over a cellphone.

INSERT  — CELL PHONE CONTACT SCREEN — CONT.

A finger navigates the screen to a contact and hovers over ITALIAN PLUMBER. The finger hits “Call.”

FADE OUT.

That’s me. I’m The Cool Individual. (If you don’t like it then write your own screenplay about my life.)

“You’re so strong!” is my least favorite compliment. It reminds me of how some combat veterans don’t necessarily care for being thanked for their service. Unless you’ve been in a combat zone, then you have no idea what you are thanking them for. You don’t know what drove them to sign up. And “you weren’t there, man.”

That’s how I feel about comments regarding being “strong.” To me it reads as, “I have no idea what you’re talking about, but I’m sure glad I’m not you!” Yes, thank you. I sometimes wish this as well, but then I wouldn’t be this particular devastatingly cool individual.

What folks who say this don’t realize is that strong people aren’t born, they evolve through Natural Selection. If they never had to carry so much, they wouldn’t be so strong. If they couldn’t carry that much, they wouldn’t be strong. They wouldn’t be here.

Oh, it’s a sin. I know. I hate to complain, but I’m going to. (I invite dissenters to write their own blog or comment below!)

Being “strong” sucks. Lenny in Of Mice and Men was “strong.” Being strong is an adaptation. It means you’ve had to fight hard enough and long enough to continue to survive to this point. Ukraine is “strong.”

I’m mainly carbon. If I get everything else squeezed out of me, do I become a diamond? They can make them in labs these days, you know. Every moment of life needn’t be so crushingly hard. Things can be easier. Sometimes they are!

That’s why I generally go with either a five star or one star review. Did you actually do the thing without me needing to call customer service, a government agency or a lawyer? Wooo-hooooo! I love you. Thank you for actually doing the thing you said you’d do and well! Take my money. Here’s five stars.

Did I need to make multiple phone calls, leave voicemails, wait for calls, keep detailed records of correspondence, fill out forms, wait for call backs and generally waste my time, money, life, brain space, lose my appetite and sleep? Congratulations! You earned one shiny star because I can’t give negative stars.

We obviously can’t avoid all problems. “Life IS trouble!” as Zorba the Greek said. We will get sick. We will have our hearts broken. We will have a job or jobs we hate. We will lose things we love. That’s part of the package of life.

My issue is with the mutha fu individuals who insist on making this already challenging thing called life harder for no good reason. I used to spend a lot of time wondering why folks would intentionally make life harder for others. Then I had an epiphany! It’s because they are assholes.

Sometimes assholes are professional ones. But sometimes they’re hiding out there in the wild, waiting for some poor schmuck to stumble across their path. Some of us poor schmucks just seem to be extra blessed in our allotment of assholes.

Whether it’s something about trauma, bad luck or both, those of us who’ve encountered more hardships seem to attract more assholes. And then we have to get “stronger.” And, if we’re very unlucky, we level up to “resilient.”  Then we end up in therapy with someone who tells us how dang strong we are.

Self-advocacy is a survival skill for anyone with the bad luck to have constant and repeated run-ins with assholes. And some of us have had to get really good at it even if we aren’t naturally great with people or have the patience of a saint.

Health and mental health issues are especially hard. You’re already starting from “behind.” For me, most of those issues were due to something unavoidable that was compounded by assholes. It gives a Sisyphus vibe after a while.

But, for me, the most important part I’ve learned about becoming “strong” is that it can cut two ways. Either you become strong and therefore don’t want to make life harder for innocent people, or you end up becoming an asshole. I am working really hard to avoid that last bit. And it ain’t easy. But I am an insomniac, so I’ll do anything to help me sleep at night, even become a better human being.

I’m still going to bitch though. It’s my goddamned inalienable right, and I’m going to take advantage of it. It’s also my blog, so nyah!

I love you for reading this. I really do. I appreciate it. Even if you think IATA. That’s why God invented comment sections. Love ya, and thank you for your service, you devastatingly cool legend you.

I’m tired.

Namaste,

J.Lakis (Devastatingly Cool Individual ^TM)

✌🏻❤️‍🩹😮‍💨🧘🏻💅🏼🤟🏼

PS: Unless you are going to direct the film, do not include camera angles in your screenplays. That’s not your job.

-JL

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If you’re considering suicide, self harm or have a mental health crisis: call or text 988 any time to talk or text with someone from the National Suicide Prevention and Crisis Hotline. Help is always available in English or Spanish. LGBTQ+ youth in crisis? Contact:  The Trevor Project.

If you or anyone you know has experienced sexual violence please contact RAIIN, for Domestic Violence in the US contact The Hotline. Both are available 24/7 by phone or chat in English and Spanish.