Trauma exists outside of time. The most insidious part of PTSD and trauma are the emotional flashbacks, AKA the trauma response.

A flashback, like Billy Pilgrim in Slaughterhouse Five, is being unstuck in time. It’s an overwhelming mental and physical response to something in the present that plucks me up and drops me back into the moment of a traumatic event. These “somethings” are called triggers, and they can range from smells to sounds, situations or words.

Like uncontrollable time travel, triggers can make me feel as if everything is happening all over again, with all the original fear, paralysis and physical sensations. What fun.

Trauma is both an unbearable experience and a fight or flight cue that cannot be acted on. It’s experiencing the horrific and being helpless in the face of it. This keeps our nervous system locked in the “freeze” part of the flight/fight/freeze response, which prevents our brains from processing what happened. When we can’t do that, our minds never send the incident to our memory. The traumatic experience is never integrated into the time-based, sensical story of our life.

But I have found ways to self-soothe during flashbacks and return myself to a more present and calmer state. And, with practice, they can blunt the intense response to the trigger before it spirals out of control. Like most of what I talk about, this means recruiting the natural and healthy responses of the body and mind.

I deal with the emotional spin out of a flashback or trauma response by first finding where I feel it and giving it a name. We use terms like “gut punch” or “heart break” all the time, and all we mean is that is where we feel the pain of a strong emotion.

For me, the biggies for trauma are Shame and Humiliation. From childhood abuse and SA to bullying to the battlefield, these are the emotions we feel when we are powerless or helpless. Children are powerless, crime victims and people caught up in large, impersonal events are powerless.

It’s that powerlessness — the inability to do something in the moment– that brings on the shame. Some part of us keeps thinking that we could or should have “done something” even if that was impossible at the time. And that makes us feel ashamed. If we’re very lucky, we’ll have people in our lives to continuously tell us we should feel shame (/sarcasm). We are told and believe that shameful people deserve humiliation. 😐

I feel shame and humiliation in my gut and just below my heart. It’s a twisting, burning sensation over a void that swallows my self love and self esteem. It wants to cry out for help, or beat its fists against the attack against my self. But, most importantly, it is overwhelming.

In a flashback, my mind and body screams for my attention because it thinks I am in danger. That’s why we will resort to self-protection in any form in those moments.

Sometimes I may shut down completely and dissociate in order to not feel the pain. Sometimes I feel full of rage. At other times, I may collapse into the feeling and spiral into depression. I can try to numb that feeling by self harming chemically or otherwise. Or I may sabotage myself by doing something stupid.

Flashbacks are a tsunami of awful, and something I’m definitely motivated to control. So, what works for me? Self compassion.

Compassion is active. It is the opposite of powerlessness. It is actively helpful. It is wanting to help soothe someone’s pain. Showing compassion to ourselves helps remove the helpless feeling. And it can take as many forms as showing compassion to others does. But it starts with listening.

When we listen to our pain, we need to take a step back from ourselves. We have to become the loving adult or friend. Sometimes it helps me to imagine people who’ve loved me but have passed away. Pets count too! Can’t tell you how many times the idea of my family’s old polar bear of a white Lab mix has comforted me. Sometimes I like to look at myself as a child and comfort that child. Some people like to imagine Jesus, Mary or an angelic being.

The idea is to make ourselves feel that desire to help ease our own pain that we feel when we see someone else in pain. That requires unconditional love and the desire for our own good. We have to practice loving ourselves unconditionally and wanting only the best for ourselves the way we would want someone else to do for us. We have to be the loving, compassionate person we need.

When we listen to ourselves this way, we can begin to talk and act towards ourselves as we would with someone we cared for. The self-talk part can be as simple as saying, “It’s OK, Jessie. There there now. You’re OK. It’s OK. Let it be.” While the actions can be deep breathing while putting my hands over my heart or on my stomach.

The human touch is powerful, even if it’s our own. Feeling our own warm hands holding ourselves, holding our own hand or giving ourselves a little neck or foot massage works. Why not be the one who cares for and about ourselves?

Lastly, since flashbacks are a way of being stuck, or unstuck, in time, I try to bring myself into the present moment. I find somewhere in my body that feels comfortable and feel into it, encouraging the feeling to spread and soothe whatever is upset. Or I imagine a gentle, glowing light surrounding and filling me. Other times I may need something soft to hug, a bath or hot tea. And, yeah, some yoga really helps. But so does swaying, dancing and even gently singing to myself. Anything to get me out of that helpless past and into the present where what I do matters.

When the storm of the flashback has passed, I try to note what caused it. I feel it’s natural — and sometimes healthy — to avoid certain triggers. But simply knowing that I can counter the feelings those old, worn connections my mind has made with gentle, self soothing helps to ease the pain of the original devastating helplessness that caused them. Finally, it’s something I can do to actually help. I am no longer powerless.

When people talk about self love or self care, it’s good to remember what love is. Love is kind. Love is gentle. Love is patient. Love doesn’t make demands. Love doesn’t judge. Self compassion is self love in action.

Have you ever come unstuck in time? Experienced a flashback? Ever dissociated, numbed out, spiraled or spun out? How do you soothe yourself during those moments?

A go to for me is searching YouTube for “Yoga with Adriene [+ name that feeling]” to find something wonderful, gentle and a little goofy to get me to release some of that junk that “no longer serves.” Sometimes I just listen to her and breathe. She’s a gift and a legend, just like me and you. And we matter. Never doubt that, friend.

Namaste,

J.Lakis

✌🏻❤️‍🩹🙂‍↕️🫂🤟🏼

PS – I also recommend the Insight Timer app. There are thousands of free meditations, talk downs, breathing exercises etc for every type of person, feeling or situation, spiritual or secular.

-JL

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