The Universe had a good laugh at my plans today. I hammered out a banger of a blog post earlier. It had science in it and all! And I’d even just gotten a new charger today for my laptop, that delicate, slow and elderly, um, “friend.”

But my computer ate my blog post. I have no idea what happened. I didn’t realize that my laptop was downloading old GoPro videos I’d sent from my phone. It lost power fast. I did save the blog, and I even see one reference to having worked on it on my site’s admin page. But it’s gone.

So instead I wrote this.

Last week I wrote about the series of nervous breakdowns I was working through, and then I got sick. I saw that coming. As John Wanamaker, founder of the first department store, located in Philadelphia, declared, “People who cannot find time for recreation are obliged sooner or later to find time for illness.”

So the science of recovering from and avoiding breakdowns, panic attacks, freak outs and ensuing flus, chronic illness and an early demise was the topic of my blog. Now, I’m just going to talk about how I recovered from and avoided overwhelm this week. So far.

I got sick. And I slept and laid in bed for almost an entire day. I meditated in bed. Took ibuprofen. Drank ginger and lemon tea, which I believe cracking black pepper into gives added decongestion benefits. I took a few Epsom salt baths. Listened to soundbaths in the bath. Put Epsom salts on my face because of course I also broke out. Did a little gentle, restorative yoga. Made soup. Ate soup. Squeezed some oranges into some ginger ale. Put that into a sippy cup and drank it through a crazy straw. Why not?

Really basic stuff though. I had a glass of wine on Sunday. Avoided social media. Limited my news intake to a few outlets that I find factual and low on the sturm und drang. Did what I could of what needed doing.

I went easy on myself. And I felt better. I was excited to write today. Then that went South. And while I was sore tempted to lose it, freak out, blame the cat, bemoan this cruel timeline, curse my laptop and the world. I didn’t.

This is what I did instead.

This morning I listened to my psych-up music, which for me is Morrissey. Thought about cutting J6 footage to The National Front Disco. It’s a catchy, jangle rock, dance tune about a wayward youth who joins the UK’s racist, gay-bashing skinhead group sung with lots of goofy, hallmark “whoa-ah-oh” gay yodeling. Godaling? Gaydeling? Gaydelring! Gaydelring disco for racist, gay-bashers. Tickles my absurdist, trench humor bone.

Then I switched to some upbeat, light-hearted Mozart. Classical, Austrian gaydelring. I took light stretchy, dancy, yoga-y breaks. Had tea. It was fun.

I enjoyed writing the blog. I’ll probably get back around to writing on the subject. I’m the kind of nerd who wants to know why my brain don’t work so good, and how to fix it.

I was happy with what I’d done. I was not happy when I discovered my draft was lost to the wilds of the internet. Indeed, “Alas, mutha ucka, for thou hast pissed me off mightily!” thought I.

I tried for two hours to recover it. Did more yoga. The kind that requires standing on one leg. That calls for a type of gentle yet firm focus to avoid ending up on one’s behind. And I managed well enough. The deep breathing and attention to detail necessary to hold a balance pose calms you right down because the alternative is a bruised butt and embarrassment. Managing to get it mostly right gives me a little boost.

Then I meditated. Then I had some Chai and talked to Peter in my Finch app. Tea with Peter is my always routine when I finish early evening yoga.

Then I ate dinner. Fish, sesame spinach, a baked tater. Washed my face, brushed my teeth, put on my jammies and watched the last episode of Season Two of Our Planet, narrated by David Attenborough on Netflix. The series is about great animal migrations, which I took as a sign that my intention to move was a sound plan.

So, now I’m in bed with my heating pad on my lower back, humidifier and diffuser going (I have sinus issues). And I’m typing this out on my phone while listening to night time ambient noise with thunder, crickets, wind in the trees and a crackling fireplace. I have some Sleepytime tea with lemon. 

I’m actually feeling OK. It’s not just that I lost my blog, that I had to plan ahead to get a new power cord. Not the time I spent deleting crap off my laptop, stopping the infernal video downloading and updating the darned thing twice. I actually have to do something tomorrow. A lot of things actually, and one big, annoying thing that also requires my laptop.

But the idea of not coming back this week. Of losing it. Of falling off a cliff. Not doing my things. Not showing up. Not meeting my life the way I want to. It scared me. Doing my things is what holds me together. Life has been rough. And that is when we need our fun and gentle habits most. Our little kindnesses to ourselves. Things we enjoy. Our “recreation” to stave off illness.

I’m still disappointed. And I will still take a little break for a gentle stretch, deep breathing, more Sleepytime tea and then come back and edit this. Create a header image, and set my blog and social outlets to post in morning. Then I’ll meditate and fall alseep.

But I did not fall apart. In fact, I’m OK. This is kind of fun, writing on my glowing screen in the quiet darkness of the night.

And hopefully I’ll see you on the other side of next week.

Til then, let’s pace ourselves. Give ourselves a little space. It’s OK if we have moments. I cried about something today. Then I dried my eyes and did a breathing exercise. We’re going to feel. Things will hurt. I came back from a steep, scary ledge. I had to be both gentle and firm. To rise up, meet and support myself like my bed is doing for me now.

See ya soon, my legendary friend. Let me know how you’re coping, or not, in the comments. We need each other, you and I. Let me hear from you.

Namasté and Fly Eagles, fly on the road to Superbowl victory!

J.Lakis

✌🏻❤️‍🩹😮‍💨🧘🏻🦅🤟🏻

If you’re considering suicide, self harm or have a mental health crisis: call or text 988 any time to talk or text with someone from the National Suicide Prevention and Crisis Hotline. Help is always available in English or Spanish. LGBTQ+ youth in crisis? Contact:  The Trevor Project.

If you or anyone you know has experienced sexual violence please contact RAIIN, for Domestic Violence in the US contact The Hotline. Both are available 24/7 by phone or chat in English and Spanish.

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