Do you like something? Anything? Is there something you are proud of yourself for? Do you have sore spots, rough patches, bad moods and topics you’d rather not talk about?

“That’s cool. Oh, awesome! I’m sorry, let me know if you need anything even to vent,” is how sane people respond to answers to any of the above. Are you hurting anyone? If not, then do you. It’s your life, glad you have something good in it, sorry if things are hard.

The insane thing to say would be, “That’s stupid. Only a real selfish jerk would like crocheting. You waste all that time collecting stupid native species for your dumb terrarium, but you can’t even name the capital of Luxembourg. I heard your useless Dad has cancer, serves you right for that time you got gum stuck in your hair.”

But, for whatever reason, that is exactly how some people will respond to your joy, dedication, achievement and misfortune. Misfortune seems to be a biggie with the cray crowd. I’ve heard too many folks tell me that it was when they found out a spouse had cancer, an animal friend died, their house burnt down or a child received a crushing diagnosis that people pounced on them.

We all have our ugly moments, and it’s absolutely healthy to reckon with the things we feel bad for having done or said. To recognize what you did, apologize and go on with your life is normal. The fact that you feel bad for hurting someone is what separates you from the worst sorts.

Too bad being someone who does have empathy, cares how people think and feel and wants to do good and be good puts you at a disadvantage to some.

You’re at a disadvantage if you feel bad because someone says or does something hurtful and blames you for their actions because they don’t care. They don’t feel bad. They think you deserve it. And if these folks keep this up long enough and are good enough at it, they can convince you that they are right.

Unfortunately for them, most people have a brain. And at some point your brain is going to kick in, and you’ll think, “Oh my goodness. What’s wrong isn’t what I like or do. It’s not something from long ago. I’m wrong for existing as me. I’m wrong. I’ll always be wrong.”

Which is ridiculous. If you are able to get yourself to the point where you believe that you are wrong in essence, that means you’re not. Because the really messed up people would never entertain the thought that they might be wrong. If you can, then you’re OK.

Different folks realize they’re OK at different points in life. But when you stop taking what they say to heart, you will change. If they say “You know, you could drop a few pounds.” You will walk out of the room. You may walk a little farther, you might even walk out of their life.

And the force of you walking away, of not arguing, not lashing back, not groveling, not apologizing, not caring will be like a nuclear bomb going off.

I call this an “extinction event” because I think dinosaurs are cool. But what I mean is to expect your refusal to engage with their nonsense anymore to be treated like the end of the world.

It will get nutty. Funny thing being their attacks will get weirder. “Still reading that stupid book?” “Your kid looks like you took him to the dentist.” “Oh, someone’s exercising and eating healthy.” “What’s next? You gonna get a second job to save money?” “Hey, look it’s Joe College!” “Aw, did baby’s Daddy die?”

Seriously. That’s how desperate toxic people can become when you walk away from them. But, no worries, you’re on your own journey now. You are trying to heal. You are doing the things. And you’ll get better, and as you do you’ll feel better.

It may be rough for a while. But one day you’ll feel good about something. Or you’ll bite your tongue when before you might have mouthed off. Had a little patience instead of being rash.

All that feeling good and doing good adds up. You will trust yourself. You’ll feel safe being you. You’ll feel like you’re OK because you are.

You made boundaries and defended them. You decided what was no longer acceptable to you. Will some people freak out and then adjust? Yes. Will others occasionally slip up? Totally. But those folks will come around, and your relationship with them will be more honest.

For those who never come around, you may never get closure. No matter how important that person may always be to you, some folks just don’t get it. Or they can’t. And you will mourn that. But you’ll be OK. You’re doing great. You’ve got a life so legendary left to live that your legend will require leagues of legendariums to tell all of your wonderous and dangerous tales. Go get it.

Namasté,

J.Lakis

✌🏻🤯🥳❤️‍🩹🤟🏻

If you or anyone you know has experienced sexual violence please contact RAIIN, for Domestic Violence in the US contact The Hotline. Both are available 24/7 by phone or chat in English and Spanish.

If you’re considering suicide, self harm or have a mental health crisis: call or text 988 any time to talk or text with someone from the National Suicide Prevention and Crisis Hotline. Help is always available in English or Spanish. LGBTQ+ youth in crisis? Contact:  The Trevor Project.

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