Ever want to punch that person who sees you down and decides that what you need to be is more grateful? “Practice gratitude!” Yeah, I will show you exactly where and how to insert that gratitude journal, friend. We have been told all of our lives not to be ungrateful. Ungrateful goes along with words like spoiled and selfish.

But when life becomes way too much, it can feel both impossible and wrong to ask ourselves to be grateful. That is because it is impossible and wrong, not because it is hard or we are selfish, but because it won’t even work. Gratitude is something we can only remind ourselves of when we are not completely overwhelmed to the point of breaking down.

Emotions are morally neutral. There are no bad or good ones. Some are more fun than others, but they all have their place. We have them for a reason. They are our body’s way of sending our conscious mind a message. Recognizing our emotions as they come up gives us important information. Anger, anxiety, stress, joy, love and all the rest all have a purpose. They are telling us something. We need to let them.

If we are feeling beat down or tired, we should acknowledge that. If we have been wronged, suffered a tragic loss or a series of setbacks the most unhealthy thing to do is deny our own feelings. The trick is how to feel our emotions and not get stuck in them and the stories our minds spin about them. We need to meet those feelings where they are, and they’re not in the brain.

Feelings appear in our bodies. The mind follows the body. When we feel angry, we feel it hard and everywhere because anger is telling us that something is wrong. Something is unfair, unjust, wrong, rude, against our values or cruel. Our bodies send out signals saying, “Hey! Hey! There’s this thing you should really pay attention to!” And that’s what we need to do.

When we can return to feeling calm in our body, our mind will follow. But the only way to get there is through riding out our feelings. All we need to do is open a little space between the feeling and ourselves.

Emotions make us want to act or react. The more intensely we feel an emotion, the more we want to do something about it. Unfortunately, that is what get us into trouble.

We may need to spend a few days — or however long it takes — to really feel it all, cry it out, dance it out, shovel it into our mouths etc. But while we are going through that time there are two really important things to remember.

First, we are going to do some weird stuff. And secondly, not all that stuff will be good. This is when we need to be the most gentle with ourselves. We will need to forgive ourselves a lot while trying not to blow up our entire lives. It is absolutely not easy, fun or even fulfilling. Usually it’s a slog.

But here’s the thing: We often feel that we deserve to feel bad for feeling bad. That’s nonsense. We absolutely have every right to feel as we do. But it is what we do when we are visited by the heavy emotion monsters that is how we get feeling bad right.

 As much as it is OK to feel bad sometimes, we are also absolutely entitled to feel good. So we need to identify the things we can do that let us feel what we need to, get that message and eventually get to the other side of it. To at least return to OK, baseline calm-ish.

I find it comforting to think about the science of emotions. Our brains and body send out distress signals in the form of hormones, chemicals, that cause  us to feel the fire of rage, the crush of our broken hearts, the fear in our bowels, the twist of shame in our guts. It’s comforting to know because our bodies cannot physically maintain those states for too long. Eventually the adrenaline and cortisol have to dissipate.

So, identifying ways that help us get through the turbulence of rough weather will help guide us in for a safe landing on the other side. I find that self-imposed isolation and the banning of social media is a good start for my worst moments. I am also a huge fan of the “letter never sent.” I have a folder on my phone dedicated to rants and emails full of all the pieces of my mind I needed to give. I rarely go back and look at them, let alone send them. I just needed the physical act of writing it out.

Because we are mainly dealing with a physical response, dealing with the body is the key. And that can really mean anything that feels right for you. It may be you really should just lay down for a nap. Or you could need a strenuous workout, a gentle walk or a soothing bath. Some practices like breathwork, yoga and meditation are specifically designed to help put the body and mind back into balance. It’s called nervous system regulation, and there are as many ways to achieve that as there are individuals, so go look some up and see what works for you.

What we are doing when we find a way to work through our feelings is creating a little space between how we feel and ourselves. We are acknowledging and identifying our emotions. We are curious about them and want to find out what they are telling us to be aware of, but we also are realizing that how we feel at any given moment isn’t essentially or necessarily us. Feelings are the weather, what is going on now. That is important, but our feelings are not who we are. The sky is always blue and the sun always shines, it just gets cloudy sometimes.

The interesting thing I have discovered by using myself as a guinea pig is that often simply getting the message is enough. When I return to calm, sometimes that is all I really needed to do. I needed to have that feeling, be a little curious about it and then let it go. Not every emotion calls for an action or reaction, they simply call for our attention and concern.

After all, this is our own lives we’re talking about, and I don’t believe anyone really wants to live in misery. We all want to be able to be grateful and appreciate positives in our lives. And we should celebrate and cherish all of our pleasures, joys, conveniences, abilities, gifts and achievements because most of life is not full of fun or easy times. But we can’t and shouldn’t try to force ourselves to feel gratitude when our entire nervous system is screaming at us to pay attention. It’s OK to not feel grateful and shove that gratitude journal but, with a little care, perhaps we can work ourselves to place where we may begin to try.

Alright, stop sulking and go eat, you beautiful, perfect, amazing mess that makes you the legend that you are.

Namasté you legend,

J.Lakis

✌🏻❤️‍🩹🐦‍🔥🤟🏼

If you or anyone you know has experienced sexual violence please contact RAIIN, for Domestic Violence in the US contact The Hotline. Both are available 24/7 by phone or chat in English and Spanish.

If you’re considering suicide, self harm or have a mental health crisis: call or text 988 any time to talk or text with someone from the National Suicide Prevention and Crisis Hotline. Help is always available in English or Spanish. LGBTQ+ youth in crisis? Contact:  The Trevor Project.

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