My Grandmother, my father’s mother, grew up very poor and very lonely. She told me she used to lay her head on the window sill and listen to the old women speaking Italian in the alley below. She raised her children with my immigrant Grandpop from Greece during the Depression. One son was in WWII. My Dad was in Korea. She buried three of her adult children: my Uncle Mike, my Aunt Anna and my Dad, Jim.

She used to tell me things like, “If you have bread and eggs, you have a meal.” She’d hoard sugar packets and napkins. The sort of thing you do when you’re poor. But she was very loving, gentle and wise. You could see it in her eyes, like if you’ve ever looked into the eyes of an old elephant or female gorilla. They just look like they’ve seen so much.

Whenever I am really in a bad way, I think of her. I think of her strong, soft arms around me. I couldn’t do wrong or be wrong with her. But she would worry if I was skinny or looked tired. I guess she lived in fear of her children not having food and getting sick and dying. That happened a lot in those days. One day you’d get a cough and then, a month or so later, you died.

So she’d always say, “Get a little fat for Grandmom.” Which was odd. No one had ever said to me that I should be fat. That was what you weren’t supposed to be. But now I think I understand.

She thought not eating was “a sin.” “Oh it’s a sin you don’t eat.” And she was right. My Dad used to tell stories about his father crying because he couldn’t buy food or enough food. He would take spoiled food like apples from behind the grocer’s. He’d sell some and take the rest home to eat. That was how poor they were.

It’s a sin not to eat if you can. And these people knew this because they did survive hunger and knew the toll it took. They didn’t sleep because they needed to squeeze every moment of work out of the day to just somehow make things not completely fall apart. My Grandmom used to be hospitalized for “nervous breakdowns.” They knew the importance of food and rest.

If you have eggs and bread, you have a meal. And you need to eat a meal. You need to sleep. Sleeping and eating. You have to do it. You cannot continue to push through if you do not eat and rest. Your mind and body will break down. You will get sick. You might not die of a cough, but you could well end up with chronic illness and disease. Your organs will be harmed. Your muscles will atrophy and become stiff. Your nervous system will not function properly. You will not be able to think clearly.

You have to eat and rest. It may feel impossibly hard, but damn. I finally get the whole thing about kids starving in China. (I don’t know, that’s what my Mother said. Children in China were starving.) I am lucky I have food and a bed. Every day I have that, I need to take advantage of the privilege I enjoy.

Because it is a privilege to have food in the fridge that I just can’t bring myself to make or want. It’s ridiculous that I would deny myself what made my Grandpop cry and my Grandmom hoard sugar packets. Food. A bed. A shower. Clean clothes that are warm enough and not patched a thousand times.

I am lucky. I’m gonna get a little fat for Grandmom, not too fat (as she’d add). Just be healthy. I can. I don’t have to go sell rotten apples. I open my fridge, food. I don’t have food in the fridge? I open an app on my phone and food appears at my door. I can order a refrigerator full of food and have it show up on my doorstep.

When I open a stocked pantry I feel like Scrooge McDuck looking at gold. When my fridge has a shriveled carrot and half a can of Rotel of dubious age, I get nervous. So, why am I starving myself? Because I didn’t get my way? The mailman broke something in my Amazon package again? The XBox is being weird. The internet has been slow. My computer is so slow. It hasn’t rained in a month. The Jeep is still at the shop? Shut up and eat, Jess. And then go lay down. What’sa matter, eh? Ya gotta eat.

“Life is trouble. Only death is no trouble.” – Zorba the Greek

Eh-oh, you, legend! Jeet? Nah? Den go on downa Wawa an getta hoagie why dontcha? Den go home an lie down awhile. Alright? OK then.

Namasté you amazing legend,

-J.Lakis

✌🏻❤️‍🩹🍞🍳🍌🍵🤌🏻

If you or anyone you know has experienced sexual violence please contact RAIIN, for Domestic Violence in the US contact The Hotline. Both are available 24/7 by phone or chat in English and Spanish.

If you’re considering suicide, self harm or have a mental health crisis: call or text 988 any time to talk or text with someone from the National Suicide Prevention and Crisis Hotline. Help is always available in English or Spanish. LGBTQ+ youth in crisis? Contact:  The Trevor Project.

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