In the fight to protect our peace, when we’re in a dark time of overwhelm, pressure or feeling attacked, some ambassador will come — in the name of peace — to tell us to get over the past. They might call us stubborn and ask us to return to the situation that overwhelmed or hurt us. They will ask us to restore some imaginary, peaceful past that serves them, but could be absolutely dangerous to us.

“Why won’t you forgive [toxic partner]? Be reasonable. Just get over it.” But what these ambassadors call “forgiveness” really mean is, “just go along with this impossible situation and return everything to the way it was.” And we may then be accused of “holding onto the past” or a grudge if we do not go along. And then this becomes an excuse for more attacks.

It’s a trap. It’s a fake choice that makes their lives easier. The choice, when dealing with those who hurt us or allow us to be hurt, is not vengeful grudge-holding versus surrendering our peace. It is engagement versus disengagement.

We may have labored long, attempting to achieve the impossible task of gaining peace by pleasing, hoping things will change into what they are not. And we will have failed because we do not have that power.

Others may have hurt us, sometimes deeply, and to continue to allow that in our life threatens our peace of mind and sometimes our physical safety. Situations like that require us to protect ourselves. To remove ourselves from harm.

We face this choice every moment we spend on others. How much of ourselves to give? Only we can decide what that amount should be. And sometimes the amount must be zero.

Removing ourselves from a situation and protecting our peace doesn’t mean grudge-holding, burning resentment or any feeling beyond “I can’t.” We can forgive and even love another person from afar that we cannot up close.

To be clear, we NEVER have to forgive anyone who has harmed us. But sometimes we can do so from a distance. We don’t need to tell the other person they are forgiven. We are not a priest. It is not our job to make people feel OK about hurting us. But in our hearts we can choose to let go when we feel ready, able and it is what we want.

If someone hates us for simply being as we are, there is nothing more we can do. The kindest and wisest thing to do is to remove ourselves — take ourselves out of range. If they change, then we may reconsider, if we want to.

But we don’t have to hate to keep ourselves safe. We also don’t have to accept the false choice between “peace” and self-protection.

Peace demands self-protection. If our neighbor is building an army, we put up great fences. And sometimes, the old addage applies, “He who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day.” Why subject yourself to emotional air raids if you can remove yourself out of range?

That’s just good sense. Don’t be fooled into thinking that you must grab your ankles “for peace” and thank the other person for the favor. We can protect ourselves without holding onto hate. I call this “internal forgiveness.”

This is an inner resolve, a boundary, that we will not be treated a certain way. And we can absolutely do this with love, both for ourselves and for whoever controls the emotional buzz bombs. We can forgive them on the inside, and keep ourselves safe. Both can be true.

Forgiveness is always our choice. There are unforgivable crimes. Harming a child who depends on you for their survival, sexual assault, physical abuse and on, none of these need to be forgiven. Ever. If those people want forgiveness, they can ask for it and be willing to accept “no.”

The opposite of love is not hate. It is not caring at all. But for those that we find ourselves able to, we can forgive — even love — and still keep away.

This is not a grudge. This is self-defence. It is how we continue to survive and maybe even thrive. It is what our minds and bodies are wired to do. We are wired to protect ourselves. We are wired for this fight. It is biological fact. Self-protection is not only a right, it is a necessity.

Never let the ambassadors of a peace that is no peace come between you and your life. We can forgive and keep our flak guns and air raid shelters. We can decide that, for some things, there is no forgiveness. Or we can decide to never give someone another moment of our precious lives.

Whatever we choose is down to us. We can be the loving, compassionate protector we need for ourselves right now.

Obviously such a legendary being as yourself deserves no less.

Namasté you legend,

-J.Lakis ✌🏼❤️‍🩹🤟🏼

PS. This post is brought to you in part by antibiotics, guaifenesin, dextromethorphan and two weeks of reading Churchill. The author is not fully responsible for its contents.

JL

If you or anyone you know has experienced sexual violence please contact RAIIN, for Domestic Violence in the US contact The Hotline. Both are available 24/7 by phone or chat in English and Spanish.

If you’re considering suicide, self harm or have a mental health crisis: call or text 988 any time to talk or text with someone from the National Suicide Prevention and Crisis Hotline. Help is always available in English or Spanish. LGBTQ+ youth in crisis? Contact:  The Trevor Project.

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