Kurt Vonnegut thought our brains were too big for our own good, although he hoped we would wise up eventually. I will be the first one to admit that my Big Dumb Ape Brain^TM causes me no end of trouble. Have you ever tried arguing with your brain? Stubborn things. They don’t care if they send us into spirals of anxiety or depression. Even if you lay your case for yourself and your peace out for them. They. Will. Not. Shut. Up. The only thing I have found that tames a misbehaving mind is the body.

It’s in our bodies that we feel all that awful brain talk. Lucky for us, our bodies are a lot more receptive to basic peace gestures than our brains. Bodies like simple things, like breathing. I’ve found that if I can soothe or wake up my body, that the brain eventually falls into line. The fancy name for this is nervous system regulation, which is hacking into the cues the body responds to so the nervous system can send soothing, happy, peaceful messages to our brains. This lets us get out of the survival mode of fight/fight/freeze. Like anything, it takes practice, but lucky for you I’ve simplified it into a 3Ms formula, which I’m going to call Emineminem^TM.

Trigger warning: I’m going to use the M-word. Mindfulness, but we’ll take it slow, so don’t panic. Mindfulness should not be a classed up version of free pizza day instead of a raise at work. What I’m actually talking about is simply being, simply existing in the present moment. When we’re all up in our heads thinking we can see the future or fix the past, we are not in the only moment that exists: now. Now is a strange concept. It’s more like: now and now and now and now, infinity! You know the phrase “touch grass?” That’s what it means. It means pay attention to now. It means really experiencing the moment, like your butt touching the chair. I mean be curious about it. Don’t name it, don’t imagine it, just feel. Feel your butt touching the chair. Is there pressure? A sore spot? Is your seat soft or hard? What do your clothes feel like against your skin? Just let yourself be a little curious about how your butt feels where it touches your chair and let the feeling come to you. That’s the essence of Mindfulness. It’s looking, feeling, smelling, hearing, tasting what is present right now. If you want to jump start your mindfulness: try holding an ice cube or splashing water on your face. It will bring you to now right quick.

That brings us to the next M-word (these are all kind of terrifying, but just trust me a second), and that word is Meditation. No! Don’t run away! Come back. Seriously, it’s OK. How does your butt feel in the chair? Meditation is simply maintaining mindful awareness of something. Anything. It’s called your anchor. Usually this either is or begins with the breath. Breathing is a handy anchor because it’s always there, at least until you don’t have anything to worry about anymore because you permanently stopped breathing.

As with the butt on chair example, focusing on and becoming truly curious about each breath brings us immediately into the present moment, and we can stay with the breath or we can work with it. Usually, if you are panicking, you are holding your breath, or worse. When we hyperventilate, what we feel as not being able to get enough breath is actually not getting enough oxygen. Empty out the air in your lungs with a long exhale. Bring your breath into your belly and then sigh it out your mouth for a few seconds longer than your inhale. It will calm you down. There are breathing exercises, also called pranayama, for just about any state of mind whether you want to relax or wake yourself up a bit. And breathing is still free, for now.

Meditation doesn’t have to be about the breath or sitting still. You can focus on the color or sounds around you. Focusing on the spaces between sounds can even help them feel less scary or intrusive. Meditation can be repeating a word or sound or even positive phrases like “I am safe. I am OK. I am calm,” and imagining it to be true. It can be imagining the colors, sounds and smells of sitting or walking in a forest or by the ocean, or sensing how each part of your body feels. You can meditate and walk or eat or brush your teeth. One of my new favorites is a guided meditation style called Yoga Nidra or NSDR (Non Sleep Deep Rest). This technique gets bonus points because you do it lying down. You can even do it in bed. This usually incorporates a little bit of everything. Some deep breathing, making a positive statement (eg “I am calm. I am safe. I am resting.”), followed by a systematic body scan that creates a sort of hypnotic state, then being made aware of different feelings, like feeling very heavy then very light then both, and usually ends with a series of images. The effect is like a nap that leaves you feeling refreshed. Look on YouTube, Spotify, Audible, Insight Timer or one of the half a million other meditation apps. Or, ya know, just sit and breathe a while.

The final M-word can seem fairly daunting sometimes, but it tends to really be the thing you need to do when you’re in a brain hole. That is movement. Yeah, for real. Move. This can be yoga, walking or any exercise, but it can also be swaying, shaking, spinning, jumping and even dancing. Movement works because it forces you out of your brain and into your body. I’m a big yoga fan because it incorporates all of the M-words, and I like how I feel during and after. It’s also easy to find yoga practices on streaming services, but really all you need is YouTube. I like Yoga with Adriene. She has a practice for about every mood, situation or feel you can imagine. I’m also a big fan of dancing. Sometimes I’ll start out small by rocking or tapping a foot while I’m still sitting or lying down, and then I work my way up to full on airplane arm twirls and the Charleston. I don’t know why, but I like dancing the Charleston. It’s easy and fun. It’s the flapper dance! Your dance moves and even a little solo moshing is also all totally valid and works as well. Add your favorite playlist. Have fun. Cut footloose! Put on your red shoes and dance the blues away.

The point of my (totally patented for real) Emineminem^TM method is not to fix your problems or the world. The point is to get yourself to a point where you can face your life and the world from a place of calm. You can’t argue or debate your way to calm. Calm is a feeling you experience because you stopped following your brain spirals for long enough to get you out of your brain and into your body. This is how you calm yourself down from fear and anxiety, pick yourself up from depression or wake up from a freeze or dissociated state. I often find that whatever was storming around my brain has lifted after practicing any or all of the M-words.

Let me know if you’ve got any practices that help you calm down in the comments. Also, how does your butt feel?

Namasté, you Legends!

✌🏽💚🧘🏽🎸🖖🏽

-J. Lakis

If you or anyone you know is experiencing domestic/sexual violence please contact RAIIN by phone or chat.

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