Two weeks ago, I awoke on a sunny day with the intention of weeding my garden. Instead I ended up at my doctor’s office convinced I needed emergency asthma treatment. Turns out my lungs were fine. I had a panic attack.
I felt silly. I mean, I ought to know a panic attack by now, right? So I began a renewed interest in my mental health, in what, let’s face it, are trying times for anyone who cares about anything anymore. At least here in the US, and anyone watching us thinking, “Well, this can’t be good.”
After checking all of my vitals and listening to my lungs, my doctor asked me what had I been doing when I first felt I couldn’t breathe. She nodded at my answer: I was reading the morning news. I had a psychiatrist and therapist appointment in a few days, so she referred me to them with some questions. And she told me to stay away from the news.
That last bit really ticked me off. I felt like she was talking down to this “mentally ill” child. But I did lay off the news. When I met with my psychiatrist, she understood my panic attack perfectly well. She did ask me to challenge myself to find more ways to cope with and manage both my news intake and my anxiety. Although she did increase my anxiety medication a small bit to help ease me through.
My therapist was also understanding, but again she admonished me against news. And she challenged me to find more ways to use my energy towards that which made me feel peace. She suggested “simple” things. She also asked if I had a more “spiritual” back up plan for strength.
I was totally pissed again. Am I so gaslighted and fragile that I have be both ignorant, mindless, AND reliant on unknowable whims of unknowable sky fairies to live in Trump’s America? Seriously!?
And then I did some really hard work. I did my monthly budget. I carefully looked for where we were leaking the ten and twenty dollars here and there that kills our finances. I fixed it. I felt better.
After a few weeks of hemming and hawing, I redid my student loan repayment, and got back on track with that. I felt better.
I returned a book to Audible and got a credit for the book of Roman history I wanted. I felt better.
And, when my friends suggested a hike-in and camp trip on the Appalachian Trail, I signed on. Like Bilbo Baggins, I was going to have an adventure on my birthday! I was excited, and terrified. But there was a lot to do. Firstly, the house needed to be cleaned for when they came over to plan. Did it! Felt better.
Then they came over. We had a fire, toasted my birthday, christened my new knife Uncle Joe — to match my machete, Killary. And we all sang along to Abbey Road loudly. “Boy, you’re gonna carry that weight a long time.” I felt better.
Saturday dawned, and I knew we had to get ready for the trip. Having read The Zombie Survival Guide, by Max Brooks, and being old hands at camping, we were mostly ready…mostly. Even our dog Abbey got her own backpack because she was carrying her weight, too! She liked it. I felt better.
But I was still nervous. Until my friend told me something important: It’s safe to be cautious on a trip like this. What we were doing was unknown to me, and potentially dangerous. But we would be with more experienced campers. “It’s a dangerous business, Frodo Baggins, going out your door.” How I felt was normal. I felt better.
We set off on our trek as on a 14:00 away mission, but with hobbits. But that exciting vibe fell away quickly. After struggling a third of the five miles straight up — carrying one third of my body weight– everything became so clear. All I had to do was keep putting one foot ahead of the other. “Simple.” I remembered what my Dad said about Korea. The marching back and forth in the cold and mud. “Your feet are the most important thing.” Simple isn’t mindless. It’s mindfulness itself.
My life became my feet. One in front of the other. “I am one with The Force. The Force is with me. I am one with the Force. The Force is with me.” One foot in front of the other.
Well, suffice to say, I made it there and back again. And I felt washed clean, although I was filthy. I had literally bugged-out. Now what? OK. Clean up all the dirty and wet gear. Now what? Make an action list for materials I need to gather for an appointment I have soon. Ok. Now what? Write.
And I feel better.
I did eventually get the news via my Mom. That’s not such a bad way to stay informed. As far as my “spiritual” strength, I realized that comes from the same places as always with me: Tolkien, Trek, Star Wars, history, The Beatles, challenging myself, my writing, and things my Father’s Force Ghost still says in my ear.
So, what’s my point? Firstly, it’s OK to feel anxious. It’s normal. Life, more uncertain than usual, will try to gaslight you. Secondly, you may need to “bug-out.” I don’t mean that you need to walk 500 ft up and sleep in the rain. But a change and a challenge you feel you are ready for…mostly. Something that reduces life to essentials and is “one foot in front of the other.” Simple.
Finally, you don’t have to give up your mind’s critical ability, sacrifice what is yourself and be a mindless sheep to get on in the brave new insane world. We rented Rogue One when we got home, and watched it twice since. I’m now convinced that I adore that movie! I don’t need no religious education. An exciting and dramatic daughter-daddy Star Wars movie, a trek through the forest of the adventure with my mythological companions, taking care of my life, a bit of help from my friends, a bit of writing, and a book of Roman history, and I’m good.
Now what? Make food.
I am one with The Force. The Force is with me.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll weed the garden. 😉
How are you all holding up? What is helping — or hurting — you right now?
While you’re here: Check out my Instagram! There are pictures of things I like and hate! 😊
While there: check out my BFF’s Instagram and share some love.
Got a comment? Click below! I love the feedback. If you like what you’ve read, tap Like and Share on Facebook! Follow and share on Twitter.
June 5th, 2017 at 12:02 pm
It says my comment is awaiting moderation. What??? OK will wait and see how it goes. Xo
June 5th, 2017 at 11:03 am
I have to approve comments. You’re in! And I responded
June 5th, 2017 at 11:03 am
Hi sweetie darling! I miss you. I know you’ve had A LOT to deal with. But I hope you can stay well. Hopefully, we can all get together for indictment and impeachment parties! 😘
May 31st, 2017 at 10:36 pm
This blog post is for me, a very important one. It is wonderful that you have found your unique magic formula. When I told I told you I wish I were there with you on this adventure, it was before I had read this. This was a signpost moment and not some trivial lark in the woods. I get it now. Perhaps when I said “Today I am a Centaur!” it was a subconscious equivalent. I have withdrawn completely from this new reality and refused to “accept the terms of service” it requires. No, this craven new world cannot collect cookies on me. No, it cannot have access to my human files, photo memories nor access to future storage. I’m done. Today, I am a Centaur and very much wish to travel with silent footsteps upon mossy undergrowth. I wish to navigate our path by the angle of golden sunlight falling and dancing like dappled whispers through the thick green leaves. Although we are many miles apart, a shared journey of our imaginations is just as significant and real. Let’s go!
LikeLiked by 1 person
May 31st, 2017 at 10:45 pm
I haven’t really found a formula to keep from freaking out. In fact, my heart is racing tonight. Who knows why? Anyone with a mind and body that works against them has a constant struggle. But I know that I am happy to adventure with you. I love you, Erin. My glorious Centaur!
May 31st, 2017 at 6:59 pm
You realize how strong you are by tackling one thing at a time and then ticking it off your list. Great insight. Thank you for sharing and hopefully helping others.
LikeLiked by 1 person
May 31st, 2017 at 7:50 pm
These are the things I learn in therapy, which is why no one should be taking a “happy pill” without a therapist. Unfortunately, access and affordability are already an issue, and they look to become worse. I don’t understand a society that doesn’t want to invest in functioning people!