It’s hot. Very hot. And humid. I just cleaned my house. I’m wearing fleecy gym shorts. I have a sweaty bandana on my head. And I want a mojito…at a Trump Impeachment Party.
But, while I was cleaning the rug beater attachment to the vacuum, I came up with these minor alterations to Morrissey’s solo and Smiths songs to make them relevant to Donald Trump. (Inspired by Andy Serkis’ reading of Trump tweets as Gollum on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. )
Ideally, Mozzy should sing these directly to me, so I made a set list for him.
#1) Putin, you Handsome Devil [Handsome Devil]
“Lit me git the handz on the mammary glands. And lit whore pee on head in conjugal bed.”
#2) How Soon is Now? [How Soon is Now?]
“There’s a summit, and you’d like to go. You might meet somebody who really loves you. So you go and you stand on your own. And you leave on your own. And you go home, and you cry, and you want chocolate taco bowl pie.”
#3) The More You Ignore Putin, the Closer He Gets [The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get]
“When you sleep he will creep into your head like a bad debt that you can’t pay. Take the easy way and piss off.”
#4) Heaven Knows I’m Tremendously, Hugely Sad Now [Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now]
“I was happy in the haze of Fox & Friends, but Joe and Mika know I’m hugely sad now because I tweeted at them during their show.”
#6) Everyday is Like Sunday, Except I’m not Golfing [Every Day is LIke Sunday]
“Hide in the White House, etch a Tweet storm. How I dearly wish I could fire Mueller.”
“The kind people, have a wonderful dream. Donald on the Guillotine.”
#8) Last of The Infamous, International Puppets [The Last of the Famous, International Playboys]
“And in my cell — well I followed Kush — and here’s a list of who I colluded with. Schneiderman! Can I keep my stuff? Oh please say I can! Don’t say I can’t! OO-OO-OH-OH!”
#9) Disappointed [Disappointed]
“Ivanka, one day you will be old. But the thing is, I love you now.”
#10) Vladeane [Jeane]
“I tried, and I failed. I tried, and I failed. I tried, and I failed. Now I get nailed.”
Big Mouth Strikes Again [Big Mouth Strikes Again]
Leave a comment below if you have a song about Donald Trump that you’d like to hear your fave singer do. I’ll be bored until the next Trump scandal drops. (Whoops! Too late! Extra-curricular Putin meeting.)
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