Your Top 5 Questions on Why Your Narcissistic Abuser Does What They Do and What to Do About it Answered

“…and Heaven knows I’m miserable now.” Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now, The Smiths (Marr/Steven Morrissey), 1984

As I recover from my abuse and trauma, I’ve spent a lot of time on forums for folks who have experienced abuse or have a Narcissist in their life. Reading the questions and experiences of these folks has been eye-opening and educational.

Did you know there are Covert Narcissists? Covert Malignant Narcissists? That Narcissistic Abusers and Borderline Personality Disorders are different? I didn’t. But now that I have explored the subject, I’d like to answer the five most common questions regarding why Narcissists, BPDs, and abusers abuse, and what to do about it.

*Note: these are similar to questions I have seen, and not actual questions and/or concerns from real individuals.

1) Why did my Narc boyfriend call it quits, date another person, then start calling me six months later like nothing happened?

Because he’s a jerk who is playing mind games with you. Block his number, and block him on social media. Seek therapy, learn to value yourself, and waste no more time on him. Get out and live!

2) Why does my Covert Malignant Narcissist girlfriend keep saying she needs space, then begs me to take her back?

Because she’s a selfish jerk who is leading you on by playing childish mind games. Block her number and block her on social media. Then learn to love yourself. Try seeing a therapist trained in helping folks like yourself move on, and get on with your life! Best of luck to you!

3) Why did my Narc abuser divorce me after 4 years of marriage? What did I do wrong?

You did zero things wrong! Now that your abuser has left your life, thank your lucky stars. Block their phone number and block them on social media. Please look to your own self-care now. Be thankful that you only spent 4 years with them and not 40, or didn’t end up in a hospital or worse There are several hotlines for victims of abuse (try your local YWC/JA) that can point you in the direction of a trained trauma therapist who can help you heal, move on, and live the rest of your life as the best you possible. You may also want to speak with your own doctor. They may want to check you for physical damage. They can also give you a referral, or point you to other resources. Some states offer financial and other assistance for victims of crimes in your state. In mine it’s called the Victim Compensation and Assistance Program (VCAP). This program does not require a police report or court proceeding. Your local YWC/JA also may offer services such as therapy, housing assistance, etc. I wish you healing and the very best in your new abuse-free life.

4) How do I deal with a Narcissistic parent now that I’m a parent? My spouse can’t stand them, and doesn’t want them anywhere near our child. What should I do?

First, congratulations on the new addition to your family! Being a new parent is an enormous undertaking that will take all your patience, effort, and time. So why add to your anxieties and exhaustion by allowing a cruel and abusive grandparent to torture you and your spouse? Is that even the type of person you want around the new, fresh little person you’ve both created? Listen to your gut and your spouse’s concerns. And don’t let this person continue the cycle of abuse. BrenΓ© Brown has wonderful advice on setting boundaries in her books and Podcast. If setting boundaries doesn’t help, block their number and block them on social media. Find a doula or a local young person to help with babysitting and childcare. It’s a lot cheaper than the therapy your child will have to go through being near this toxic person. But please consider therapy for yourself. Many insurances now pay for tele-psych/therapy, which could better fit your new schedule. Learn to love yourself, and good luck to you and your spouse on your new family.

5) Why is my Narcissistic parent trying to turn my family against me, and what do I do? I feel like everyone hates me now! I love them, what should I do?

I am so, so sorry you are dealing with this. Unfortunately, most folks can have children, and that includes selfish, rigid, or abusive folks. It will never be easy to accept that your parent can’t or won’t be able to offer you the love you crave, need, and deserve.Β  Take heart in the fact that your parent’s behavior is probably well-known in your family. I suggest blocking them on social media and their phone number as a first step. Get a good therapist trained in family trauma and abuse to help you learn that you are not to blame, and to love and cherish yourself. It may also be worthwhile to reach out to your family individually and reestablish one on one contact with them. But be warned, folks like your parent are skilled at pitting people against one another, and they may have recruited others. There’s not much you can do in that case, but do seek out support from friends and family that truly love you. And build yourself a support system with them, or a therapist, doctor, school counselor, coach, or pastor, anyone you trust. You’ll soon discover that your life will be a lot more peaceful, with room to let yourself bloom and grow. Focus on your own interests, hobbies, and life, and surround yourself with those who truly love and support you. Life is difficult, chaotic, and messy, don’t let those who make it worse into your life. And always remember, you are deserving of love, even though you may not feel that way now. Through practice and time, you will learn to stop blaming yourself, feeling unworthy, or ashamed. And grow into the beautiful, loving, and best you possible. Take care of yourself, and all the best to you in your journey.

I hope many of you find this helpful and learn to step out of the dark shadow where abuse thrives. Stop attempting to understand your abuser. And learn instead to turn the soft light of your own compassionate and loving heart on your fears, wounds, shame, your worst moments, and your most raw and painful nerve. I invite you to try this meditation from Sara Blondin’s book “Heart Minded.” It’s the 6th track, but all are both useful and healing. And from the depths of my heart, I wish you healing, love, and a joyful life.

– JL βœŒπŸΌπŸ’šπŸ’πŸŒˆπŸ––πŸΌ

While you’re here: check out the wonderful work done by NAMI: The National Alliance on Mental Illness. Use their resources to find free help or donate.

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About JLakis

Jessica Lakis - Writer/screenwriter. Geek & mental health blogger. Conqueror of the Useless. NERD INVICTA! View all posts by JLakis

9 responses to “Your Top 5 Questions on Why Your Narcissistic Abuser Does What They Do and What to Do About it Answered

  • JLakis

    Darn but your story is like a gut-punch. I know a woman who lives near Perth. And she has many complaints about the health system. Not like anyone in the US can brag. All I can get through Medical Assistance is a limited range of clinics that usually deal with folks who were given some type of therapy as a condition of probation or parole. And they treat their voluntary clients the same as the ones who are forced to be there. It’s authoritarian and not at all helpful for someone who has experienced trauma and abuse. But, I DID finally find a free, qualified, trauma therapist through the local YWCA. Most Y’s have services for the abused. Some are group, but I have a personal therapist I see once a week, and she’s fantastic because that is what she specialized in. They have male and female therapists and family counselors, and they work with young people. It’s in the name! It’s the same with Jewish Y’s too. I only say this because I think Y’s are fairly universal in the English speaking countries. Although a teenager of either sex is definitely a handful and a half. But it’s worth looking into. I was directed to the Y by my neurologist (I have physical issues as a result of my marriage as well). I was so relieved by how much my therapist “gets it.” She definitely knows stuff before I do, but she’s so gracious and empathetic. And her suggestions are incredibly helpful to me. (I still have an abusive mother and my little sister has joined her club. And my Dad passed away, and he was the only one who could check her crazy.) It’s just a thought. But it does help me. I also am looking into a program my state (Pennsylvania) has called VCAP. It’s Victim’s Compensation something Program. I don’t need to have brought suit or called the police, but the damage occured in the state, so they can pay for private psychologists or clinicians. And it has been my therapist at the Y who has added to the resources at my disposal.

    It seems so ridiculously entrenched that only males can be abusers, but I know from my Mom and the experiences of friends that there are plenty of men who suffer abuse at the hands of women. Maybe because this marital abuse used to be called “battered wife syndrom?” Maybe because some men don’t want to admit to abuse? I have no idea. But crazy, abusive people are everywhere, and come in all shapes and sizes. And they don’t discriminate. Again, kudos on your journey, being a good Dad, and all my best wishes for you. The Force is with you.

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  • mickmart21

    All I know is my trust in people in general has been shattered after 15 years in an abusive marriage and I inspect everything people do that I have to interact with. It isn’t a healthy way to be, but there it is. Just glad me and my son finally escaped it.
    Then again she is a sociopath and has left, and continues to leave broken lives behind her as she uses and discards people who no longer serve her purposes.

    Liked by 1 person

    • JLakis

      Oh my goodness! You survived 15 yrs of Gaslighting and abuse, it definitely takes its toll. My marriage lasted 8, and I’m still recovering. I hope you find ways to heal, but being aware of how she damaged your ability to trust is a good start. How is your son handling it? Hopefully your love for him will save him the worst of the fallout. But if you do notice him acting out, please talk with him and see what’s really on his mind. My Dad used to combine our talks with activities together. And he used that time for fun and memories, as well a time to carefully question me, and see where my head was. And please see about some counseling, for both of you. I only say this because if being married to a sociopath, or any abusive person, can harm a grown man, it must be so much harder if that abuser is your mom. But I always think that if a young person has at least one person in their lives that truly loves them, then that can be enough for them to hold to for their entire lives.
      I’m glad both of you have gotten out, and have each other, though. And I hope her access to your son is severely limited. If she still comes back to try to use your child for whatever her perverse reasons, I’d document as much as possible, if you haven’t already. Better to have one, loving and awesome parent, than two when one is, well… You know. And thanks for feeling you could speak to me. Give kiddo a big hug from me. Write anytime.

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      • mickmart21

        It was a dark time for both of us.
        We gave up on therapy as it was just not helpful and we found our own path. Yet it has been a path filled with stumbles. In my country men are guilty and that is that so we had to fight the authorities until even they could no longer ignore the reality of the situation. It was a dark time and yet we survived.
        Fortunately we have been discarded as we have no worth to her and I have put protections in place to stop her in her tracks if she ever attempts to enter our lives once more. That is if she can find us as I made us disappear and difficult to find.
        My boy has self-harmed, been suicidal, has development problems, amongst other things but we have worked through these things over time. What he never can ignore are the scars that lace my body from those years. He even remembers when some of them were inflicted and tells me from time to time which is very sad as it reminds me of things I prefer to forget.

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        • JLakis

          Oof. You have had a tough time! It’s getting a little better here in the US with placing children with the father. But I’m relieved you worked it out. I have physical reminders as well. But I got so far away that it’s still difficult to find my house with my address and google maps. My X moved on, and guess what? His new wife died in an “accident” not many years later. I literally dodged a bullet.

          That’s a gut-punch about your son though. But I was reading your posts, and your emphasis on critical thinking skills will hopefully serve him well. I just hope his poor little heart can heal some day. But you’re a dedicated man. You saved two lives. You’re a hero.

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          • mickmart21

            I’m no hero. I’m a parent who loves his child unconditionally, and in that resides the difference.
            Mind you teenagers do tend to drive you batcrap crazy at times.
            My boy has had the double-edged sword of knowing and living with me as he sees me question everything and not simply accept what is promoted. He also saw me forecast the pandemic from just one news feed in December 2019. I prepared for the craziness that came and just a few short months saw him change his mind on being able to think critically and have clarity of vision as I was right when none cared to see.
            I also collected on a few bets made in 2018 that Australia would be in recession by May 2020. I won every bet all based on global economic instabilities and the tunnel vision of official policies regards economic growth within my country.
            Critical thinking serves well even when you take a swing and a miss.
            If you want a laugh then read ‘Everyone is an Idiot’ I use the best example ever for idiocy, which is me.

            Liked by 1 person

            • JLakis

              Ha! I’ll definitely be reading that. I am an absolute Cassandra as well. I had a stocked pantry and toilet paper throughout the Pandemic. It’s kind of ingrained in me to fear scarcity and prepare for the worst. Some of that came from my Dad, who was older and lived through the Depression and WWII and then served in Korea. And then constantly fearing I’d be hungry or have the utilities shut off or being kicked out by a landlord because I married an abusive addict. So, I completely get your mind-set. I also am a big fan of Max Brooks, and his Zombie Survival Guide! And I recommend the audiobook of World War Z, which was nothing like that horrible movie! It has a full cast, Mark Hamill, Paul Sorvino, Nathan Fillion, Henry Rollins, Alan Alda, Simon Pegg, and a ton of Star Trek actors like Jeri Ryan (Seven of Nine). It’s spooky, realistic, and awesome. Get the unabridged version though because there is more of Mark Hamill who plays a veteran of the “war.” I like listening on my porch at night.

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      • mickmart21

        I need to add that mental health treatment in Australia resides in either private or public health.
        Either way you pay full price or the gap as it seems.
        Public health, which we came under due to being homeless at the time required a gap payment and was unaffordable to some degree.
        Public health gives you 10 visits a year and then you restart with another therapist which is not helpful.
        This is the system which we live with and as such made the choice of this never ending cycle versus finding our own path to salvation.
        Consider a therapist telling a child that their mother loves them despite anything he may say and what the evidence provides as mothers are innocent regardless of individual actions in this country. My view may be biased so forgive me based on personal experience.
        My son hates his mother with a passion, and that is from his perspective devoid of mine yet he and me are somehow the bastards according to some as it does not fit a narrative.

        Life is weird!

        Like

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